Want

I want things in my life to change.  As it is right now, I’m dissatisfied.  I hope the upcoming scholastic mess will keep me properly occupied/be a big enough change to improve some things.  I’ve been flip flopping between wistful and anxious, but right now I’m seething.  I want to hurt people.  Someone.  Something.  If I were something predatory I would be baring fangs, snarling, crouched, ready to pounce and rip your throat out.  Ironic, when I was talking with someone earlier today about my inner darkness/evil/not-good that is buried deep down.  I guess it’s not buried as deeply as I would like it to be.

I’ve stood in a kitchen as I dried dishes, held a knife in my hand and contemplated serious violence. The aftermath, getting caught, going to jail.  Not worth it.  The only maliciously violent thing I’ve ever done, was back-handed a person who groped me.  And yet…  I am not as nice of a person as people seem to think I am.  After a certain point, I just will not tolerate being fucked with.  Past that, there are parts of me that want to do horrible things.  I suppose the thing that makes me different from a complete monster is knowing that certain things cross the line, that they can’t be done, that they would be diabolical.

Animalistic need.  I want to see fresh blood.  Since I can’t, I’ve felt the pull of vices that I had laid aside.  My jaw hurts from clenching my teeth.  My shoulders and my back are tense.  I don’t think I was always like this.  I’m not sure why/when things changed.  I would elaborate on more things here, but I genuinely don’t want it to get me into trouble/concern folks.  I’ve always held on.  I keep control.  That doesn’t stop me from wanting.

Stasis

I guess a lot of things in my life are basically going to be put on hold.  Granted, I’ve felt like I’m stuck/in stasis for a while.  My blog, most of my various online activities, dating, playing, etc.  Hopefully when I start Job Corp it will go well.  I’m not thrilled at the idea of dorm-type living, sharing a room with other people.  I also realize that a reasonable amount of people are in Job Corp because they’ve fucked up somehow.  A cousin of mine went after he got in trouble with the law for some narcotics.  I’m sincerely hoping nobody decides to steal my iPod, Kindle, or DS when I bring them.  Also I want to get in better shape, so the gym they have on campus had better not suck!

In spite of a lot of things not going how I had thought they would, I may possibly be getting a FWB of sorts, once he’s back in the same state as I am.  Which would be nice.  He’s not super kinky per say but is open to a variety of things all the same.  He’s prior military, a gamer, and he likes food/cooking some… he also has a ridiculously awesome body and isn’t worried about any relationship shit.  Which is about what I want right now, given that I feel like most other things have kind of blown up in my face.

Anyway, goals for me?  Get through Job Corp, get in better shape… and after that?  I’m seriously considering a branch of the military.  I know way too many people stressing about retirement and working their ass off in their 60s/70s.  I don’t want to do that shit.  If I could somehow tough it out through 20 years, then settle somewhere I liked, get a part time job and otherwise be retired?  Fuck yeah I want to be mostly retired in my 40s.  I don’t want my body to give out on me in my 50s/60s, working all the time and not get to do anything fun.  Not that I think being in the military is a cake-walk either, mind you.

Also, the Dept. of Social and Health Services can jump in a lake.  I applied online a month ago, got a confirmation number that my application was sent to them properly and I haven’t heard a single word back from them.  It’s not like I have some health concern I’d like to get taken care of, or anything…  Ugh.  And soon I’ll be in Job Corp.  Maybe their medical benefits will cover it, maybe not.  As it is I get to look forward to being given all the immunization shots I never had before.  Not that I mind needles, but this won’t be the fun kind of needle play.

Braggadocio

Pride.  Vanity.  Smugness.

Fairly recently I had someone imply that I’m not a good submissive/bottom.  I was a trifle offended, but I was mostly shocked.  I’ve never felt that I was bratty.  I’ve never felt that I “topped from the bottom”.  I tend to take pride in being good.  I do what I’m told and like making the individual(s) I submit to happy.  This conversation came about after they watched/assisted Sir while he was using needles and fire cups on me.  I talked with him at a later point, because I was so surprised at the other person’s comment.  He said no, he didn’t have any unhappiness/concerns over my behavior.  Rather, he thought that I just had a very “West Coast” attitude.  I tend to chatter a lot when I’m nervous/excited.  I also am a firm believer of saying so if something bothers me/feels wrong/feels bad in a way I don’t enjoy (assuming something isn’t a punishment and is being done for fun).

In this particular instance I was chatting away with Sir while he stuck needles in me.  There were grimaces as well as other funny faces made.  There was squirming.  There were comments along the lines of “Fuuuuuuck that one hurt!”.  It had been a fair amount of time since Sir and I had gotten to play much.  In particular, he had forgotten that I’m rather protective of my nipples.  He put one of the fire cups over a nipple and I may have been a bit distressed.  I asked that it be removed/taken off.  Apparently from the above, this third person thought I wasn’t a very good submissive.  Go figure.

When I first started getting involved with my local BDSM community I had the (mistaken) impression that it was part of my worth as a submissive if I could handle more.  I thought that those who could handle more pain than I could, were somehow better than I am.  This isn’t true.  BDSM isn’t a competition (well unless it actually IS a competition, but you get my point).  If whoever I’m submitting to has no problem with me, it’s nobody else’s fucking business if they think I’m doing it wrong.  The exception being if something is genuinely being done unsafely, like if someone were being flogged right over where their kidney is (don’t do that crap and don’t let someone else do it to you either).  I’ll continue doing things the way I have been.  Sir likes me as I am.  I like myself (mostly).  The peanut gallery’s opinion doesn’t mean anything.

As an aside, this blog as well as most of my other online activities may severely be reduced in the future (rather, I may be mostly absent for an extended period of time).  I applied for and was accepted to one of Job Corp’s Tech programs.  This means I’ll be spending roughly the next two years living on one of their campuses.  It’s affiliated with/funded by the government so I’m imagining the internet will have filters on it… I’m still not even sure if they’ll let me have my 80GB iPod Classic, DS Lite, or Kindle Touch.  I know for sure that they don’t allow phones that have cameras, nor do they allow laptops.  I won’t get to be on instant messenger (I’m not logging into that shit on a shared/public computer nor am I going to install something on a machine that isn’t mine).  I won’t get to be on Steam.  I definitely won’t be able to be on IRC chat.  I’m not sure yet about Twitter or FaceBook.  I won’t get to write product reviews for Eden Fantasy’s anymore, for sure.  It’s tentative whether or not I’ll be able to post here.  I’m likely going to be moving to the campus next month at some point.  I’m nervous and trying not to stress.  I’ve not had to do anything scholastic for nearly 7 years.  I’ve always had my own room at least, when sharing an apartment or house with someone.  The campus has dorm living.  I could be sharing my room with up to six other people.  Hopefully everything goes well.  I need/want to find a super discrete vibrator so I can still masturbate… a dildo would be too conspicuous and sex toys are technically not allowed.  Ugh.  It’s not like I’ve been having intercourse lately and now I won’t even have many chances to masturbate.  Uncool.

May 8th, 2012

I’ve been sick for almost a week and a half now.  Not exactly a fun time.  I’ve been considering some very interesting possibilities for the future.  I need to get some shit taken care of, and I won’t say what my actual plans are on here just yet.  I don’t want to jinx it.  If I do go with this particular route, I won’t be online much for periods of time.  It would all be for a potentially better life though, so it has to be worth it to some extent, yes?

Now I need to go stop being sick.  Also, to go study.  I’m so excited…

Fantasize

This is purely fictitious.  It’s going to feature abduction and rape.  If either of those are triggering for you, you’ll want to skip this post.  Also, this errr…. turned out a lot darker than I thought it was going to be.  I don’t really write erotica ever either, so please don’t judge too harshly.

Consciousness.  Too warm.  Stifling.  Eyes blink but see nothing.  Thoughts would race, except everything seems to have slowed down.  The last thing I remember is something sweet smelling, burning as it was inhaled into lungs, spreading across the tongue like some sort of obscene candy as fabric was held across mouth and nose.  Fading away, but there had been people’s hands on me, hadn’t there?  It would be so easy to just… float off.  Struggling to hold onto coherent thought.  It’s hard to breath, the heat is oppressive, and I realize I’m curled up into a ball.  Back hurting, I try to uncurl and all I get for my efforts is a sharp hot pain at the wrists and ankles.  I fade back out, lulled by the humming purr of a car’s engine and the chemicals still in my system.

Coughing, coming back to myself gasping… cold.  Unable to see, mouth gagged, bound to some form of chair.  I tense with fear, the only sound I hear is the drip of liquid from what I’m sitting on, onto the floor.  The things blindfolding and gagging me,  tied so tightly it digs into flesh.  A brusque hand at my throat the only warning before a growing expanse of chill air creeps across flesh as clothing is cut away piece by piece.  Rigid with terror, a whine of fear becoming an almost inaudible squeak through the gag.  ”Don’t move and don’t make a sound.  No one is coming to save you” a low voice growls right in my ear, making me jump as frigid metal leaves a sharp kiss on my neck.  A trickle of warmth glides its way down chilled skin as the stale tasting gag is removed from my mouth.  One instant I’m upright, the next I’m on the floor.  Still tied down, the entire right side of my face a growing blossom of pain.  Too shocked and horrified to make a sound, other than the involuntary grunt that escaped my lips when my body hit the ground.  My ears are ringing from the blow as I hear someone softly say “Stupid cunt…”

I’m untied and picked up with seemingly no effort.  They handle me as though I might just be a large bag of laundry, some thing that they don’t care about one iota.  An object.  I’m dropped roughly onto a hard surface not far below me.  Wrists are maneuvered up above my head at the same time as my legs, dangling from the knee down are pressed back against the supports of whatever I’m on.  A soft, almost buzzing sound enlightens me as to what they’re using to bind me.  Zip ties.  I can’t help myself, I try pulling at my restraints.  I can hardly move an inch.  A flush of humiliation rises on my cheeks at the same time as I blanch with terror as I realize my thighs are spread wide, my most delicate parts available for whatever they want.

Hands press hard at my wrists “We don’t want you hurting yourself, that’s what we are here to do.”  One by one each of my limbs has the zip tie clipped off and replaced with a cuff of some sort.  I can only shiver in fear as a hand callously clamps down on one of my breasts hard, making me inhale sharply with pain.  I feel the edge of a blade at my throat again, teasing the light cut made earlier while a hand putting pressure on my mouth causes me to open it.  A thick cock is forcibly shoved in, a voice growling menacingly from above, “Suck it well, or I’ll make you so ugly no one will ever want you”, the blade caressing my cheek simultaneously.  Flinching, I lick, suck, and caress the hard length as though my life depends on it with lips and tongue.  Swallowing the thick, almost viscous saliva, I struggle to force all of him down.  Ignore the tickling, don’t cough, don’t gag.  Please, please don’t let him cut my face up.

While focusing all my attention on sucking cock like there’s no tomorrow, my nipples are pinched and twisted viciously by another individual.  A brutal thrust buries a cock between my legs with no warning, making me cry out around the one shoved down my throat.  Both hard lengths drive in and out savagely, taking their pleasure of me without the slightest care for vulnerable flesh.  The man at my head tangles one hand in my hair, the other, still holding the knife teases along my skin leaving cuts here and there as his hand twitches.  Tears stream down my cheeks unnoticed, small rivulets of blood trickle feeling hot on my skin.  The sensitive flesh on my inner thighs is abused by strong hands as the rod of flesh keeps assailing my insides.  Don’t think about what’s happening.  Just do what you’re told so they won’t hurt you.  Crawl away to some dark corner within, I can’t let them get to me.  I lose track of time, of what they’re doing.  It becomes a blur of blood, sweat, and fucking.

Gagging, forced to swallow so I don’t choke.  An uncaring swat on my mishandled body follows shortly.  I thank whatever god is out there, that they’re done.  The cuffs at my wrists and ankles are unfastened, I’m picked up and surprisingly gently put down on a couch of some sort.  The blindfold is pulled off, an opened bottle of water held to my lips so I can sooth the roughness at the back of my throat.  A hand rumples my hair up, a kiss placed on my forehead.  I look up blinking at a face I recognize, a deep voice chuckles, saying ”Good girl.  I hope you had fun…”

Expectations

Not that this is all for the bad, or that any of the current goings on have left me feeling particularly bad, but it seems like most things lately don’t go the way I expect them to.  As far as kinky stuff, I’m pushing boundaries that used to be hard limits for me.  If you had asked me even a month ago if I would let someone choke me, the answer would have been a swift, definitive “NO”.  Hell, I let someone else actually put something in my ass for the first time in years (excluding a little tongue when I’ve been rimmed) in the form  of figging.  To those who don’t know the back story in regards to why that would be a big deal… I have an ex who was larger than average that thought it would be a brilliant idea to have anal sex and not use lube.  I’ve had some major fears/anxiety about anyone else doing anything to my ass ever since.

None of the relationships I’ve had in the last few years have gone like I would have thought.  Not a single one.  Not even the potential relationships.  For the majority of them, I (or we or they) realized we wouldn’t be a good match, decided not to pursue anything further, and things are still friendly between us.  The single not-just-platonic relationship I have, with a play partner still hasn’t gone the way I would have thought.  I’m not really trying to place blame on anyone, or bad mouth anyone, life makes unexpected twists.  I don’t begrudge fate/chance/whatever.  I do miss a sense of stability, of belonging.  The last time I really felt that was when I thought I was going to be wearing someone’s Collar as their submissive, which was a couple years ago.  Yes, I like topping.  Yes, I like inflicting pain.  Yes, I like having someone as a bottom/submissive.  BUT.  I identified as exclusively a submissive for years.  I still have my weird BPD complications in regards to my psyche/emotions.  I will most likely always have a sense of unease/unhappiness when I don’t feel I truly belong in at least one aspect of my life.  And right now I definitely don’t feel like I really belong anywhere.

Life’s a bitch, then you die, etc.  I’m not really emotionally distressed or anything either.  This was more a ramble to try and organize my own thoughts into a more coherent form.  I know I psychoanalyze myself overly much occasionally, but sometimes I feel I get some good insight.  This post was one of those attempts to poke at various parts of my emotions and memory to sort things out a bit.

New Things

I’ve been getting to try new stuff lately!

Imagine taking about a 5″ segment of ginger, peeling it, pureeing it in a blender, infusing it with about a cup or so of lube, then straining it.  It actually didn’t do a whole lot for me.  Mildly tingly/hot feeling, but just barely.  It was worth experimenting with, if nothing else.  I think it would actually work really well as a non-scary way to introduce someone to ginger.

After that, a peeled ginger plug was rubbed with ginger lube (moar ginger, moar ginger) and put in.  It took a bit to really warm up, but even so it was about the same intensity as my strongest Tiger Balm, which I use as lube for my glass butt plug anyway.  It helped me further realize that anything remotely pointy/poky in my ass doesn’t feel too good.

I was given the chance to fist a lovely boy named R.  Super cute boy.  W was curled up in bed with us, both of them walking me through the process.  It was pretty fucking awesome.  I have a whole new appreciation for how strong people’s pelvic muscles are, as well as further insight to how female genitals work.  I genuinely don’t know what I could compare having my entire hand inside someone’s body to.  It’s something people will just have to try on their own, I think.

Nice thing about polyamorous folks and kinky households?  I’ve met a pretty cool person who I initially was just having fun bantering with.  But then I realized both my stuffed animals are at home and a king sized bed in a basement is fucking cold to sleep in alone.  So, I’ve been getting some cuddles and such in with them.  Wee bit of breath play too, and I’m super fucking surprised to discover that I REALLY like it.  It was “only” having his hand on my throat and gripping relatively lightly, but it put me in quite the interesting head-space.  I used to think I would never do it, because an ex placed their hand on my neck lightly once in the middle of sex and it freaked me the hell out.  I’m a bit claustrophobic and it always bothers me somewhat if I can’t breath relatively fresh air.  When I first started working in a large office building, it took weeks for me to get used to the circulated-ish air inside.

Chloroform.  I didn’t actually think I would have the opportunity to play with this ever.  It had slipped my mind that W has it on hand.  Apparently one of the kinky folks in the household who I’ve been talking with mentioned my interest in it to W, so last night I got to lay back on a giant bean bag chair and a cloth with chloroform dripped on it placed over my nose + mouth.  It felt sting-y/burn-y where the cloth was up against my lips.  Initially it smelled rather like alcohol.  Then it started smelling sweet and I felt like I could taste it.  It was a really neat sensation of disconnecting with everything, my body, the environment around me.  I was able to hear when people talked to me, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open, and it was like my brain was lagging.  It felt as though it took me a very long time to process thoughts.  Super awesome stuff and I can’t wait to try it again sometime in the future.  With the dose I was given, it isn’t anything like the way Hollywood portrays chloroform (go figure).  I didn’t just drop like a stone half a second after having the cloth placed over my mouth/nose.

W got 3 different sizes of cups for fire cupping and wants to do a tentacle inspired scene.  He’s wanting to do it after piercing me with needles, so that the cups will make me bleed out more.  Yummy!  All in all, it has been quite a fun visit so far.  We’ll be going to a munch this evening.

Psych

I’ve noticed that I tend to psych myself out a lot.  For example, when I am getting a piercing done, when I got my tattoo done, when I do anything kinky, if I’m getting a medical procedure done, etc.  I anticipate, I start wondering how much it’s going to hurt, I wonder what type of pain it will be…  I fidget.  I talk a lot, particularly, I ramble.  I ask lots of questions.  Anytime something pushes my comfort zone this happens.

Even though I’ve had needles used on me a reasonable amount of times (for medical stuff and kinky play), I still get incredibly nervous about it.  I’m not sure why, either.  Once a needle or two is in my flesh though, it doesn’t bother me any more.  The one time I did fire play (when it was done on me rather) it made  me nervous the entire time.

I’m becoming more intrigued by things that scare me.  I still don’t think I’m ready to try any e-stim or breath play though.  There are some other mind fuck-y things I’m interested in too. Abduction/kidnapping play, rape play…  I’ve heard about some neat/creepy stuff that others have done and it intrigues me.  The idea of fucking with someone else’s grey matter is appealing too, though I don’t know if I’d have a talent for it or not.

Sir and I have some plans for my visit later this month (not sure if all of these things will actually be done or not): rope, needles, fire, hot wax, fire cupping, ginger lube, and maybe knives.  I’ll also be doing various around the house things and possibly assisting him in making some leather gear too.  Fun, but I’m nervous.  Some of the self-induced anxiety about things is a little fun, though!

Home

I think my standards are too high.  Well, that and I’m an unrealistic romantic, perhaps…  It isn’t like I expect actual sparks to fly with someone.  I am perfectly capable of being my own separate entity, without feeling like I’m wasting away waiting for someone.  For the most part.  I think that I should feel better/happier/more complete with someone, than I do without them.  It should feel like coming home, in a way (I’m not sure of a better way to describe it).  I do believe people should be able/know how to be content on their own.  Waiting around, expecting someone else to come into your life and magically make everything better is, um, incredibly unrealistic in my eyes.  I don’t think there is likely to ever be a single person that fulfills all my needs.  I’ve come to accept that.  Part of me is still waiting for someone to basically sweep me off my feet though.  Hell, it seems like the more into various kinks I get, the less likely it is that any one individual will be everything I need.  I’ve had dreams from a young age that… once I was older/exposed to the kinky world, I realize were of me being a live in slave to someone.  To me that kind of thinks of being truly desired, welcome, needed.  The way my tastes seem to have evolved, I think I’d like to be someone’s slave.  Maybe.  I would like having a submissive, or possibly a slave myself, though.  Blah blah blah, twue way, blah.  Blah.  Blah.

On the way back home from an event, I was listening to some music and realized that nearly every person I’ve been in a relationship with (especially the ones I loved in any capacity) still “carries” a part of me.  More often than not I experience a sense of loss/guilt when thinking of them.  Maybe it’s stupid of me, but some of the strongest emotions spawned were sometimes through interactions that weren’t in person.  There have been several times where I fell in love (in some capacity or another) with someone through purely online contact.  I’ve thought of trying to contact various people to speak with them, but I’m not sure if it would be welcome/appropriate or not.  I’ve done some pretty shitty things to others.  Granted, I still think I made the right choices in the end, but I did some unnecessarily unpleasant things nonetheless.

I’m still hurt over Draegon.  I’m still hurt over a guy in Oregon who I was enamored of for like two years.  I’m still a relationship n00b.  I’ve a few things on my “plate” right now, most of which I don’t rightly know what to do with.  During my worse days/times, I think I should just cut and run.  I’m tired of doing that, though.  I still think the times I’ve done that, it was the correct choice in the long term.  It still was a crappy thing to do, though.  Come to think of it, other people have done a fair amount of shitty things to me too.  Folks, if you got a date with someone that you end up just… really not wanting to go to/participate in, fucking cancel that shit.  Standing people up is a horrid thing to do.

Listening to Tool/Puscifer does weird shit to my brain, apparently.  I regret a lot of things.  I feel tentative/awkward/anxious about a lot at the moment.  Which is leading to typing diarrhea of sorts, with lots of random ass blog posts.  Ah well!

Ramble 03/29/12

For those who don’t know, I’m trying to get into Job Corp for a computer tech program.  It’s looking like I should be able to get in, however for that particular trade there won’t be an opening until January (roughly) of 2013.  This means I get to continue being stuck living with family, in a house that is a half hour drive from the nearest town.  I’m a bit concerned about J.C. because… well, they’re rather strict about… well, everything.  I’m not worried about no drugs or violence or even the no sex.  No electronics makes me a sad panda, however.  I’m really hoping they’ll let me keep my Kindle and iPod.  I might go bat-shit nuts if I didn’t get to read a lot and listen to music frequently.  I don’t get off easily without sex toys, so that’ll be a bit frustrating as well.  Sigh.  All things I’ll put up with in pursuit of my goals.  J.C. can help me get my GED (since I rage-quit on doing my senior project), get a driver’s license (never have liked driving, but I’ve come to accept it being a necessary evil), as well as learn some IT/computer tech stuff.  Before January I want/need to get another job and to brush up on my math skills.  I have some various things I need to buy, plus I get super bored staying at home all the time, so… yeah, job.  Ye olde math skills need work since it has always been my weakest subject, as well as being required to take an assessment test when I get into J.C.  Also, to eventually pass the GED test.  In any case, yay progress of a sort.  Now to get things straightened up in the short term, yes?

I’ll be getting to visit Sir/Daddy in April.  Looks like I’ll be there for almost a week… annnnnnnnd I’m nervous/anxious.  I’ve never spent that much time with him at once.  Every time I’ve been at his house it was always somewhat as a guest.  He cooked, I didn’t have to worry about dishes, etc.  We discussed what it might be like having me visit in the past… as it is right now, my sleep cycle is fucked.  It’ll be hard for me to be up, getting him breakfast, etc.  As much as I may have had dreams in the past about being someone’s live in whatever, this would be the closest experience to that, which I will have tried.  I’m also still shy/awkward about being around his live in significant other… I find that individual kind of intimidating.  I realize that’s my issue however, not theirs.  Ah well.  It should still be fun.  I think we’ll finish processing some hemp rope, since I requested crimson rope a while back.  We burned off the nasty little poke-y/fuzzy bits a while ago and washed it some too.  I asked if we could do some needle play again + asked about more rope too.  We shall see if I’m a good enough boy to get them.  Anyway, ramble ramble, life stuff, nervous, blah blah blah.  I’m tired and going to shut up now :P