Fluster Cluck

I’m feeling like a chicken running around with my head cut off.

I finished 19 chapters of book work for Phlebotomy in.. 11 days.  I took the final on the 12th day of being in class.  I’m going to be spending most of my time next week in driving class to refresh my memory on how to do that shizz.  I do “pokes” on Thursday, sticking people with needles for the first time ever.  After I get the vein successfully 25 times, I go off to do a week of clinicals.  After that, the only thing left is the certification exam, which is national.  *nervous* Ugh.  I also have to do a 3 day class called “exit” at some point, which is mandatory for me to graduate from Job Corps.  I’m not 100% sure where I’ll be after I leave/finish up.  I’m hoping my dad will let me stay with him through the summer, until Fall Quarter starts.  I’m going to be going back to the community college I attended previously, to get my Associate of Arts and Science degree finished up.  I think it’ll only take two quarters, thankfully.  After that, hopefully I’ll be going to a university to get a bachelor’s.

I’ve been stressing out like mad due to the stupid bitches in my dorm, as well as the dumb twats in my room.  I have nothing against sharing living space with females.  I do have something against sharing living space with moronic teenagers who think they’re hot shit.  People who think it’s a GREAT idea to go on a weekend pass/personal leave, so they can try to get pregnant, when they’re 18, and have nothing going on in their life.  People who have never held a job, never lived on their own, but think they know everything.  It’s ever so slightly ridiculous.  I will freely admit I do plenty of stupid things still.  I have, however, learned a lot from the major fuck ups I made in the past, and believe me, there were some big ‘uns.

Um, what else?  I miss my friends, I miss my son, I miss my family…  I got back in touch with a friend of mine from when I attended college before, so that was back when I was 16.  It has been really nice catching up.  During my downtime at Job Corps I’m typically reading, playing on my laptop, and texting.  Mostly my buddy from college and one other person.

Speaking of one other person… he’s someone I’ve known as an online friend for approximately three years.  He had become my “adopted big brother” (because my actual older brother is a bit of a prat), but things have shifted a bit the last couple of weeks.  I had a bit of a crush on him for a fair amount of time, but I always buried it and ignored it, because his friendship is really valuable to me, and I didn’t want to fuck it up.  Well, things came to light that we both are interested in each other, so now I don’t feel guilty at all for flirting.  Not only that, we had talked about hanging out previously, but it was always as a vague “Oh man, we totally need to do that sometime!” rather than anything definite.  Since things have changed/since I’m going to have a bit of money, I’m planning to go visit him the end of June, which I’m really looking forward to.  I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone who makes me so flustered or makes me blush so much, in my entire life.  Humorous, but awkward.  Go figure.

In short, I’m keeping myself busy, keeping myself entertained, and plotting for the future.  Here’s hoping that by the next time I post I’ll be a nationally certified phlebotomy technician, have my driver’s license, and have ironed out the wrinkles regarding going back to college this fall (I applied for FAFSA ages ago, etc, I just need to figure out where I’ll be living).

Cheers, lovelies.  Take care of yourselves

Slowly but surely

I’m making progress with.. well, the things I’m working on at Job Corps.  I’ve gotten my GED, became a certified nursing assistant, and am working on becoming a certified phlebotomy technician.  I’m working on being more fit/losing weight and should have my driver’s license before I leave here.  Kind of a wonky story about why I don’t already have one, considering I’m turning 25 this summer (way too tired to go into it right this second).  It isn’t because I was bad/did anything wrong/got in trouble, though.  Um, I’ve gotten back into knitting.  I’ve been doing the Insanity workout.  I read like a fiend on my Kindle.  Otherwise my life is pretty god damn boring.

I really only am writing this post to let folks know I’m still alive and am in fact working my butt off.  Medical terms and abbreviations can die in a fire.  I think I may be a victim of encephalorrhexis from all of it…  Brain rupture?  Oh yeah.  Good times, baby!  I KNOW I’m dealing with chirospasms from all the notes and flash cards.  Writer cramp, woo.

I do have a play weekend to look forward to, at the beginning of April.  Any breaks from Job Corps are good things.  Cheers, lovelies

Blerh

I go back to Job Corps at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow.  Winter Break is over, boo…  Back to dorm life, idiot teenagers, shit food, and staff who don’t give a damn about the students.  At least I’ve gotten to catch up on sleep while at my Dad’s.  I’ve gotten to eat a lot of super tasty food, too.  Probably too much of it, in fact.  I have to hit the ground running when I get back to campus.  I want to keep up the trend with my weight loss and fitness.  Once more, I won’t be able to post on here or check, well, anything, really online.  Filtered internet = teh suck.  If you get caught using proxies or connecting your wireless device to their wifi you’ll be in deep shit.  So, if folks need to get in touch with me, there’s email and text messages.

Hope everyone’s start to 2013 is fantastic

Gone

I start Job Corp tomorrow.  I won’t be allowed to use my laptop for approximately a month.  If I can access it/Wordpress on my laptop after that point, I’ll continue posting on here.  If I can’t access WordPress, well, I won’t be posting until December (or sooner if I go somewhere that has unrestricted/monitored wifi I can use.

In other news I still apparently don’t fucking understand human beings at all.  I swear, I must be of a different species or something because every single time I think I am starting to figure out how people work… I’m proven wrong.  Thanks so much, life.  I really love being kicked when I’m already down.

July 18th, 2012

I feel so incredibly stupid thinking and feeling this, even as I write about it… but… I am fucking terrified of starting Job Corp.  My high school years were a rather bad time.  People stealing my stuff, spitting at or on me, throwing trash at me, calling me names, etc.  In my day to day life I don’t mind not fitting in.  When I’m stuck in a situation like school however, it can be really bad because I can’t elude it.  I try really hard not to care if people don’t like me or think I’m unattractive, but sometimes it gets inside my head.  I’m more sensitive about certain things than someone else might be, because I don’t like/embrace all of myself.  I try so hard to be comfortable in my own skin, but I’m coming to realize that a lot of the time I’m probably just pretending.  I’m starting to second guess myself a lot.  Parts of me wish I was “normal” which is completely ridiculous, because there is no such thing as normal.  It’s very disappointing, given that I thought I had made so much progress/improved so much a few years ago.  That’s part of what my my tattoo represents to me.  Accepting all of who I am.

I’ve been damn chaste the last few years.  Why?  Partly because I don’t want to relapse on my “being a slut in an unhealthy way” sex addiction, partly because I hate my body and can’t imagine why anyone else finds it attractive, and partly because I’ve had too many people flip the fuck out over my HSV-2+ status.  Supposedly Job Corp provides some medical benefits/assistance while you’re there.  I’m going to try and get back on acyclovir, which helps suppress it.  Last time I was on it, I wasn’t intimate with anyone, so I wasn’t that worried about it… and it made me feel nauseated all of the time.  I mostly stopped eating.  Maybe that’s not such a bad idea right now, given my weight loss goal.  I know a few people who love cooking and work in the food industry who jokingly say not to trust the cooking of a skinny chef.  I kind of agree, too.  I enjoy food a lot.  I don’t really believe in diets either.  I think they’re evil and horrible.  That being said, when I was in good shape before I mostly ate veggies with a reasonable amount of protein and carbohydrates.  I didn’t drink soda or fruit juice or anything hardly ever.  I drank water or tea.

I’m also frustrated because I really liked being low maintenance as far as my daily routine went… but lately that is changing.  I dislike people whose “beauty regimen” for lack of a better word is high maintenance but, damn it, I’m trying to make my hair stay nice while it grows out and not have acne issues.  In spite of drinking 60+ ounces of water a day, my skin keeps being grumpy.  I shower every day and use a gel body wash + bath poof ball thing, I also have a special soap just for my face.  I apply a specific moisturizer when I get out of the shower, too.  I also just picked up some sunscreen yesterday, so I can hopefully avoid skin damage issues in the future.  I don’t really know what more to do.  I don’t eat that many sugary/fatty/oily things.  :(  I theorize that if I were back in shape I would worry a bit less about my skin blemishes, stretch marks, and scars.  Then again, the grass is always greener.  I’ll find something else to nitpick about if/when I lose weight and body fat, presumably.

Anyway, this post is basically a quasi-rant/ramble and mostly me whistling in the dark.  My scared inner child is going “But what if everybody hates me?”   I can’t stuff my noise hole with a cookie to shut the inner child up either, since I’m trying to lose weight.  Argh!

Reading

Folks seem to like to know various and sundry details about me… and as my time lately is mostly spent reading I thought I would list what’s on my Kindle.

Book series I’ve completed so far this year (completed as far as reading all the books currently out):

Gor novels by John Norman (I find the writing style rather bad, but the culture he created is interesting enough)
A Song of Ice and Fire by G.R.R. Martin
The Millennium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson
Sookie Stackhouse books by Charlaine Harris
Discworld series by Terry Pratchett
Anita Blake series by Laurell K Hamilton
Both Kushiel trilogies by Jacqueline Carey

I tried reading the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan but I got bored. I read the first book and part of the second one and decided to move on.  Same thing happened when I tried reading the Sleeping Beauty trilogy by Anne Rice.

On my list of books to read/re-read:
Dexter series by Jeff Lindsay
Dune series by Frank Herbert
Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling
Hitchhiker’s Guide series by Douglas Adams
Honor Harrington series by David Weber
Meredith Gentry series by Laurell K. Hamilton
Redwall series by Brian Jacques
A Series of Unfortunate Events series by “Lemony Snicket”
Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind
Complete collection of HP Lovecraft’s works
Neil Gaiman’s works
Assortment of books by Lewis Carrol
Assortment of books by Jules Verne
Assortment of books by Stephen King
Assortment of books by Ray Bradbury
Assortment of books by Mercedes Lackey
Choke + Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks
Dracula by Bram Stoker
Medium Raw by Anthony Bourdain

At the moment I’m on my 5th Kathy Reichs novel.  The series is what the t.v. show Bones is loosely based off of.  It’s making me reminisce about the assortment of anthropology classes I have taken in the past.  I start Job Corp on July 24th (supposedly).  Due to various and sundry shit I won’t be doing their tech program and will instead be going through their culinary arts program.  I’m not playing video games too much.  I got a new laptop that I named Dormouse (since my desktop PC is Alice and my old, evil, horrible laptop is Jabberwocky).

As an aside, I’ve gotten really tired of having people act like I need to justify my decisions to them.  I’m not an idiot.  I tend not to impulsively do shit (anymore, anyway.

June 06, 2012

So… since I’m starting Job Corp soon I’ve modified a bunch of stuff.  Gone through my clothing separating what is allowed and what is not.  I cleaned up my Google Reader list.  I changed the EF banner on here to one that’s work safe.  I edited/deleted all posts on my blog that had NSFW photos.

I am really fortunate and some relatives of mine combined funds to buy me a new laptop, which I was badly in need of.  My current 15″ Dell was… well, old, huge, and falling apart.  There was a crack going up the back of it behind the screen, the hinges that held the screen to the base were flimsy, there was a key missing, keys were sticking, the audio wasn’t working properly, and the mic had died too.  In all, it was time for a replacement.  I just ordered a nice little 11.6″ Acer.  I’m hoping to get a new messenger bag from Timbuk2 before I go.  My current one is about 10 years old and I got it from MegaTokyo back when I was a fan.

The one I’ve got my eye on will accommodate up to a 13″ laptop and has a special cushioned spot for it, as well as lots of other neat little pockets/spaces.  This is perfect because at any given time I have a Kindle Touch, Nintendo DS Lite, bag of games for DS, iPod, phone, a large assortment of writing implements, a notepad of paper, a journal, mints, two lighters, a variety of lip balms, keys, stuff for lady business, nail clippers/nail file, and a wallet on my person.  Oh, I would like to be able to carry around cables/cords for charging things on my person too, but right now they wouldn’t fit.  I feel sort of like a pack rat after reading that list over, but… I like to be prepared (eventually I want to add a folding utility knife to my collection of random crud I carry around all the time).  I’d like to be able to cart my laptop around with me at Job Corp, because I don’t trust people not to jack anything.

I will hopefully be getting to meet up with an online friend I’ve known for… around two years, sometime before I start.  The plan is for there to be fucking, video games, fucking while playing video games, cooking/eating of tasty food, and possibly (if we find time for it) go to a range so he can show me how to use a gun/guns.  I’ve been trying to get the ball rolling on having my IUD taken out, because I have issues with it already… and he’s ah, not small.  So failing/wrongly placed/embedded/whatever IUD + larger than average cock = bad idea.  I’ve gotten tired of being (mostly) celibate, damn it.

Want

I want things in my life to change.  As it is right now, I’m dissatisfied.  I hope the upcoming scholastic mess will keep me properly occupied/be a big enough change to improve some things.  I’ve been flip flopping between wistful and anxious, but right now I’m seething.  I want to hurt people.  Someone.  Something.  If I were something predatory I would be baring fangs, snarling, crouched, ready to pounce and rip your throat out.  Ironic, when I was talking with someone earlier today about my inner darkness/evil/not-good that is buried deep down.  I guess it’s not buried as deeply as I would like it to be.

I’ve stood in a kitchen as I dried dishes, held a knife in my hand and contemplated serious violence. The aftermath, getting caught, going to jail.  Not worth it.  The only maliciously violent thing I’ve ever done, was back-handed a person who groped me.  And yet…  I am not as nice of a person as people seem to think I am.  After a certain point, I just will not tolerate being fucked with.  Past that, there are parts of me that want to do horrible things.  I suppose the thing that makes me different from a complete monster is knowing that certain things cross the line, that they can’t be done, that they would be diabolical.

Animalistic need.  I want to see fresh blood.  Since I can’t, I’ve felt the pull of vices that I had laid aside.  My jaw hurts from clenching my teeth.  My shoulders and my back are tense.  I don’t think I was always like this.  I’m not sure why/when things changed.  I would elaborate on more things here, but I genuinely don’t want it to get me into trouble/concern folks.  I’ve always held on.  I keep control.  That doesn’t stop me from wanting.

Fantasize

This is purely fictitious.  It’s going to feature abduction and rape.  If either of those are triggering for you, you’ll want to skip this post.  Also, this errr…. turned out a lot darker than I thought it was going to be.  I don’t really write erotica ever either, so please don’t judge too harshly.

Consciousness.  Too warm.  Stifling.  Eyes blink but see nothing.  Thoughts would race, except everything seems to have slowed down.  The last thing I remember is something sweet smelling, burning as it was inhaled into lungs, spreading across the tongue like some sort of obscene candy as fabric was held across mouth and nose.  Fading away, but there had been people’s hands on me, hadn’t there?  It would be so easy to just… float off.  Struggling to hold onto coherent thought.  It’s hard to breath, the heat is oppressive, and I realize I’m curled up into a ball.  Back hurting, I try to uncurl and all I get for my efforts is a sharp hot pain at the wrists and ankles.  I fade back out, lulled by the humming purr of a car’s engine and the chemicals still in my system.

Coughing, coming back to myself gasping… cold.  Unable to see, mouth gagged, bound to some form of chair.  I tense with fear, the only sound I hear is the drip of liquid from what I’m sitting on, onto the floor.  The things blindfolding and gagging me,  tied so tightly it digs into flesh.  A brusque hand at my throat the only warning before a growing expanse of chill air creeps across flesh as clothing is cut away piece by piece.  Rigid with terror, a whine of fear becoming an almost inaudible squeak through the gag.  ”Don’t move and don’t make a sound.  No one is coming to save you” a low voice growls right in my ear, making me jump as frigid metal leaves a sharp kiss on my neck.  A trickle of warmth glides its way down chilled skin as the stale tasting gag is removed from my mouth.  One instant I’m upright, the next I’m on the floor.  Still tied down, the entire right side of my face a growing blossom of pain.  Too shocked and horrified to make a sound, other than the involuntary grunt that escaped my lips when my body hit the ground.  My ears are ringing from the blow as I hear someone softly say “Stupid cunt…”

I’m untied and picked up with seemingly no effort.  They handle me as though I might just be a large bag of laundry, some thing that they don’t care about one iota.  An object.  I’m dropped roughly onto a hard surface not far below me.  Wrists are maneuvered up above my head at the same time as my legs, dangling from the knee down are pressed back against the supports of whatever I’m on.  A soft, almost buzzing sound enlightens me as to what they’re using to bind me.  Zip ties.  I can’t help myself, I try pulling at my restraints.  I can hardly move an inch.  A flush of humiliation rises on my cheeks at the same time as I blanch with terror as I realize my thighs are spread wide, my most delicate parts available for whatever they want.

Hands press hard at my wrists “We don’t want you hurting yourself, that’s what we are here to do.”  One by one each of my limbs has the zip tie clipped off and replaced with a cuff of some sort.  I can only shiver in fear as a hand callously clamps down on one of my breasts hard, making me inhale sharply with pain.  I feel the edge of a blade at my throat again, teasing the light cut made earlier while a hand putting pressure on my mouth causes me to open it.  A thick cock is forcibly shoved in, a voice growling menacingly from above, “Suck it well, or I’ll make you so ugly no one will ever want you”, the blade caressing my cheek simultaneously.  Flinching, I lick, suck, and caress the hard length as though my life depends on it with lips and tongue.  Swallowing the thick, almost viscous saliva, I struggle to force all of him down.  Ignore the tickling, don’t cough, don’t gag.  Please, please don’t let him cut my face up.

While focusing all my attention on sucking cock like there’s no tomorrow, my nipples are pinched and twisted viciously by another individual.  A brutal thrust buries a cock between my legs with no warning, making me cry out around the one shoved down my throat.  Both hard lengths drive in and out savagely, taking their pleasure of me without the slightest care for vulnerable flesh.  The man at my head tangles one hand in my hair, the other, still holding the knife teases along my skin leaving cuts here and there as his hand twitches.  Tears stream down my cheeks unnoticed, small rivulets of blood trickle feeling hot on my skin.  The sensitive flesh on my inner thighs is abused by strong hands as the rod of flesh keeps assailing my insides.  Don’t think about what’s happening.  Just do what you’re told so they won’t hurt you.  Crawl away to some dark corner within, I can’t let them get to me.  I lose track of time, of what they’re doing.  It becomes a blur of blood, sweat, and fucking.

Gagging, forced to swallow so I don’t choke.  An uncaring swat on my mishandled body follows shortly.  I thank whatever god is out there, that they’re done.  The cuffs at my wrists and ankles are unfastened, I’m picked up and surprisingly gently put down on a couch of some sort.  The blindfold is pulled off, an opened bottle of water held to my lips so I can sooth the roughness at the back of my throat.  A hand rumples my hair up, a kiss placed on my forehead.  I look up blinking at a face I recognize, a deep voice chuckles, saying ”Good girl.  I hope you had fun…”

Home

I think my standards are too high.  Well, that and I’m an unrealistic romantic, perhaps…  It isn’t like I expect actual sparks to fly with someone.  I am perfectly capable of being my own separate entity, without feeling like I’m wasting away waiting for someone.  For the most part.  I think that I should feel better/happier/more complete with someone, than I do without them.  It should feel like coming home, in a way (I’m not sure of a better way to describe it).  I do believe people should be able/know how to be content on their own.  Waiting around, expecting someone else to come into your life and magically make everything better is, um, incredibly unrealistic in my eyes.  I don’t think there is likely to ever be a single person that fulfills all my needs.  I’ve come to accept that.  Part of me is still waiting for someone to basically sweep me off my feet though.  Hell, it seems like the more into various kinks I get, the less likely it is that any one individual will be everything I need.  I’ve had dreams from a young age that… once I was older/exposed to the kinky world, I realize were of me being a live in slave to someone.  To me that kind of thinks of being truly desired, welcome, needed.  The way my tastes seem to have evolved, I think I’d like to be someone’s slave.  Maybe.  I would like having a submissive, or possibly a slave myself, though.  Blah blah blah, twue way, blah.  Blah.  Blah.

On the way back home from an event, I was listening to some music and realized that nearly every person I’ve been in a relationship with (especially the ones I loved in any capacity) still “carries” a part of me.  More often than not I experience a sense of loss/guilt when thinking of them.  Maybe it’s stupid of me, but some of the strongest emotions spawned were sometimes through interactions that weren’t in person.  There have been several times where I fell in love (in some capacity or another) with someone through purely online contact.  I’ve thought of trying to contact various people to speak with them, but I’m not sure if it would be welcome/appropriate or not.  I’ve done some pretty shitty things to others.  Granted, I still think I made the right choices in the end, but I did some unnecessarily unpleasant things nonetheless.

I’m still hurt over Draegon.  I’m still hurt over a guy in Oregon who I was enamored of for like two years.  I’m still a relationship n00b.  I’ve a few things on my “plate” right now, most of which I don’t rightly know what to do with.  During my worse days/times, I think I should just cut and run.  I’m tired of doing that, though.  I still think the times I’ve done that, it was the correct choice in the long term.  It still was a crappy thing to do, though.  Come to think of it, other people have done a fair amount of shitty things to me too.  Folks, if you got a date with someone that you end up just… really not wanting to go to/participate in, fucking cancel that shit.  Standing people up is a horrid thing to do.

Listening to Tool/Puscifer does weird shit to my brain, apparently.  I regret a lot of things.  I feel tentative/awkward/anxious about a lot at the moment.  Which is leading to typing diarrhea of sorts, with lots of random ass blog posts.  Ah well!