2012? Kiss my ass

Job Corps is a pain in the ass.  I’m doing a lot for myself being there, but a large part of me fucking hates it.  My biggest plan for what I want to do with my future doesn’t seem likely.  The boy I had been seeing for almost six months, it didn’t work out.  I dumped him a bit over a week ago.  Sadly, I spent much of that day crying and feeling quite distraught, and he didn’t seem to give a fuck.  Whatever, life goes on.  I’m pretty much over him already.  The tiny podunk town that my Job Corps campus is in sucks ass as an aside.  It either smells like onion (not so bad) or it smells like cow shit.  Fan-fucking-tastic.

I still am wrestling hard with depression and anxiety.  I’ve become increasingly hermit-like.  My tolerance for being around humans has dwindled nearly to nil.  My capacity for giving a fuck about other people is quite slim.  I care about my family and the short list of friends I have.  I care about the relatively few possessions I have.  Beyond that?  Most of humanity just needs to leave me the hell alone, so I can get the stuff done that I need to.  It isn’t even so much that I’m super angry or bitter.  Mind you, I’m not claiming to be free of either of those emotions, it’s more that with the amount of spoons/energy I have per day, I can’t be arsed to care.

Let’s see… beyond that?  I’ve read approximately 250 books this last year.  Having a Kindle is a god send for my sanity levels.  I’ve been listening to a lot of Eluveitie and In This Moment lately.  I’m almost done with the CNA program I’m in.  I have a few more clinical days, practicing skills, the in-class final, a certification for retirement homes to complete, and then the state cert test.  I should finish all of that except for the state cert in January and get to start Phlebotomy.  Hopefully after that I’ll get into the college program so I can wrap up yet another loose end in my life.

Thoughts for 2013?  Please be less fail than 2012.  I may go on a stabbing spree with a spork, otherwise.  I don’t want to deal with drama or stupid any further than is necessary.  Living in a dorm is bollocks.  Relationships are also an utter load of crap.  Family is complicated and a lot of effort.  Maintaining friendships is difficult to do.  I want to continue getting into better shape.  I want to become self-sufficient again.  I sweat the little things way  more than I need to.  Take a chill pill.  Occasionally doing things that are bad for me goes a long way towards making me a calmer, happier humanoid.

I hope my various readers are doing well.  I’ll try to write more while I’m on winter break.  Until then, I bid you all adieu.  I do apologize if this post is ridiculously disjointed and random, but I’m running on about two hours of sleep and have been awake for almost 19 hours.  Also between drinking a beer and soaking in a hot tub my brain has pretty much disintegrated into useless protein-y/sugar-y goo.

November 23, 2012 Update

Well, it has been quite some time since I was able to get access to unfiltered internet when I had free time to let folks know what is going on through a blog post!  I started Job Corps roughly 4 months ago and my life has gone rather topsy turvy.  I’m feeling a bit brainwashed after living on a government run campus.  You can’t walk on the grass, you can’t linger/walk through certain areas, your clothing all must be like this, you can’t do that, so on and so forth.

I was in an introductory phase for a couple of weeks, then spent about a month and a half in education.  They make everybody do a silly health class, I also finally got my GED, and I spent an ungodly amount of brain power in a medical terminology class, prepping for starting their Certified Nursing Assistant program (which I should finish/take my certification test in January or February).  I’m doing well in the program, maintaining a 93% average with all my book work, I’m one of two crew chiefs (we help keep the other students in line), I’m a room leader in my dorm (think Prefect a la Harry Potter), and I ran for (and lost) a Student Government position.

I’m immensely frustrated with much of the student body and most of the staff.  So many idiots, so many people who don’t give a damn about anyone else.  I’ve become quite hermit-y.  I go to class, go to study group, go work out, and then hide in my room and study some more.  I’ve managed to lose about 30 pounds since starting Job Corps.  I hope to continue my weight loss trend.  No, I’m not starving myself, no, I’m not working out obsessively.  I eat smaller portions of food, eat healthier things, and work out 3-5 times a week, depending on how I feel.  I also started taking antidepressants a little over two months ago.  Being here is stressful and depressing.  The staff keep fucking up on my medication though, which is absolutely horrid.  Withdrawals suck.

On a happier note, I also have been seeing a boy for a little over 3 months.  Quite a nice fellow, G is.  He’s a nerd and a geek, of course.  I’m working on coaxing him gently towards the kinkier side of things.  We’ll see how that goes.  In any case, I’m trying to get myself all straightened out.  I want to finish up the CNA program and get certified, start the Phlebotomy program and get certified, get my Driver’s License (finally), and finish up the 8 credits I need for my Associate of Arts and Science degree.  I am still contemplating the military after I finish up Job Corps.  Air Force or Navy, methinks.  I got a 90 out of a possible 99 on my ASVAB.  So ah, not too shabby.  I would like to retake it and see if I can score another 3 points higher, however.  I would prefer to be Tier I instead of Tier II

I hope everyone is doing well.  In a nutshell I’m alright, just incredibly busy.  Cheers,

Gone

I start Job Corp tomorrow.  I won’t be allowed to use my laptop for approximately a month.  If I can access it/Wordpress on my laptop after that point, I’ll continue posting on here.  If I can’t access WordPress, well, I won’t be posting until December (or sooner if I go somewhere that has unrestricted/monitored wifi I can use.

In other news I still apparently don’t fucking understand human beings at all.  I swear, I must be of a different species or something because every single time I think I am starting to figure out how people work… I’m proven wrong.  Thanks so much, life.  I really love being kicked when I’m already down.

July 18th, 2012

I feel so incredibly stupid thinking and feeling this, even as I write about it… but… I am fucking terrified of starting Job Corp.  My high school years were a rather bad time.  People stealing my stuff, spitting at or on me, throwing trash at me, calling me names, etc.  In my day to day life I don’t mind not fitting in.  When I’m stuck in a situation like school however, it can be really bad because I can’t elude it.  I try really hard not to care if people don’t like me or think I’m unattractive, but sometimes it gets inside my head.  I’m more sensitive about certain things than someone else might be, because I don’t like/embrace all of myself.  I try so hard to be comfortable in my own skin, but I’m coming to realize that a lot of the time I’m probably just pretending.  I’m starting to second guess myself a lot.  Parts of me wish I was “normal” which is completely ridiculous, because there is no such thing as normal.  It’s very disappointing, given that I thought I had made so much progress/improved so much a few years ago.  That’s part of what my my tattoo represents to me.  Accepting all of who I am.

I’ve been damn chaste the last few years.  Why?  Partly because I don’t want to relapse on my “being a slut in an unhealthy way” sex addiction, partly because I hate my body and can’t imagine why anyone else finds it attractive, and partly because I’ve had too many people flip the fuck out over my HSV-2+ status.  Supposedly Job Corp provides some medical benefits/assistance while you’re there.  I’m going to try and get back on acyclovir, which helps suppress it.  Last time I was on it, I wasn’t intimate with anyone, so I wasn’t that worried about it… and it made me feel nauseated all of the time.  I mostly stopped eating.  Maybe that’s not such a bad idea right now, given my weight loss goal.  I know a few people who love cooking and work in the food industry who jokingly say not to trust the cooking of a skinny chef.  I kind of agree, too.  I enjoy food a lot.  I don’t really believe in diets either.  I think they’re evil and horrible.  That being said, when I was in good shape before I mostly ate veggies with a reasonable amount of protein and carbohydrates.  I didn’t drink soda or fruit juice or anything hardly ever.  I drank water or tea.

I’m also frustrated because I really liked being low maintenance as far as my daily routine went… but lately that is changing.  I dislike people whose “beauty regimen” for lack of a better word is high maintenance but, damn it, I’m trying to make my hair stay nice while it grows out and not have acne issues.  In spite of drinking 60+ ounces of water a day, my skin keeps being grumpy.  I shower every day and use a gel body wash + bath poof ball thing, I also have a special soap just for my face.  I apply a specific moisturizer when I get out of the shower, too.  I also just picked up some sunscreen yesterday, so I can hopefully avoid skin damage issues in the future.  I don’t really know what more to do.  I don’t eat that many sugary/fatty/oily things.  :(  I theorize that if I were back in shape I would worry a bit less about my skin blemishes, stretch marks, and scars.  Then again, the grass is always greener.  I’ll find something else to nitpick about if/when I lose weight and body fat, presumably.

Anyway, this post is basically a quasi-rant/ramble and mostly me whistling in the dark.  My scared inner child is going “But what if everybody hates me?”   I can’t stuff my noise hole with a cookie to shut the inner child up either, since I’m trying to lose weight.  Argh!

July 14th, 2012

I start Job Corp in less than a week and am ever so slightly freaking out.  I re-read some of the paperwork and no where is it explicitly stated that toys cannot be brought.  So.  I’m debating whether or not trying to take one with me.  For the last 6 days I’ve had an alarm set for first 8am and now 7am.  Another day or two of getting up at 7 and I’ll change it to 6am.  It’s not my norm to be getting up that early, but I don’t want it to be a big deal when I start.  One thing to possibly look forward to, I changed my location on a dating site I’ve been a member of for years in regards to my upcoming move.  I’ve been exchanging messages with someone who seems pretty cool.  If nothing else, I should have a local gamer friend, which… you can never have enough of those.  It has been rather nice, actually.  Really long emails have been getting exchanged, and pretty much all the big lifestyle stuff has been discussed.  So have my dirty little secrets that might bother a person.  Still not entirely sure how he feels about one, but otherwise we seem pretty well in sync with each other.  I’m waiting to have better internet available so I can install L4D2 on my laptop, so we can frag some zombies.  Also, play Diablo 3.  Possibly some World of Warcraft.  I’ve been missing playing lately, weird as that seems.  I actually enjoy leveling/running around doing random stuff with friends.  Hell, I actually liked harvesting materials for crafting while chatting on Ventrilo.  The guy I’ve been talking with gave me a spare pre-order key for Torchlight 2, also… which, is awesome.  Fuck yes, video games.

Speaking of gaming, Steam has had their Summer Sale going.  I picked up Darksiders and Alice: Madness Returns for about $5 each.  A friend gifted me a copy of From Dust, too…  I was playing Psychonauts a bunch recently, but the Circus level drove me up the wall.  Those guys throwing swords and that jumping bit related to it?  Yeah, it sucks.  I’ve pretty much rage quit from finishing the game for a bit.  Instead, I’ve been playing Super Meat Boy… which is a rather difficult platform game.  Fortunately, if I fuck it up, each level so far only takes maybe 10 seconds so I don’t lose much progress.  The Circus level in Psychonauts is significantly longer and if I mess it up I have to start all the way at the beginning.  Ew.  I’m trying really hard to not be quite so horrible at platform games, but it’s a slow grind. I think it would be a lot easier to be playing them on console, but my consoles are packed up in storage right now.  Bollocks.

I hope everyone’s summer is going well so far.  It has been in the 90s to 100s here and my dad’s place has no A/C.  It’s pretty fucking miserable.  I went berry picking several days ago and ended up with 7 mosquito bites and… well, I would not feel bad at all if the entire species was obliterated.  There are plenty of other bugs to pollinate and feed insectivores.  Not a fan.  They’re after my sweet, delicious blood, but it’s mine!   Mine, damn it!  In any case, things are pretty ok for me.  I’m tentatively hopeful about my plans for everything shaping up and working out alright.

Weight

From a young age all the way up until I was 16/17 I was a somewhat chubby person.  Between my sophomore and junior years of high school I had a summer job where I was doing hard physical labor.  I dropped the chub and bought a bikini for the first time ever.  My junior year, I started attending college and also started going to a gym 3 times a week.  I was 5’4 and about 150 pounds, with roughly 36C/30/38 as my measurements, and about 16% body fat.  My biceps and triceps all were somewhat noticeable, and the top two abdominal muscles on my tummy showed.

I stayed in good shape for a time while I was 18, but then I got pregnant.  I gained about 30 pounds during that time.  I was able to drop about 20 of that, but over the next few years I was on a variety of antidepressants that resulted in weight gain.  I also was unemployed for roughly two years, and spent most of that time lurking at home playing games/applying for jobs.  My weight has fluctuated a lot since then, but honestly?  I’ve gained a significant amount more than what I’ve lost.  It’s incredibly frustrating.  I looked up the physical requirements and weight requirement for getting into the Navy recently.  It’s my goal to be within the allowed weight and able to do well at the physical acts needed in the next two years.  I’m hoping that being stuck eating cafeteria food at Job Corp and making use of their gym will enable that.  It’s intimidating, though.  I have to lose about 60 pounds.  That is a lot of weight to lose.

I do not like my current physique.  In fact, it drives me up the wall.  I like having my body to mostly be tight overall with some curves to it.  I would actually be thrilled if my bust got a bit smaller with weight loss, so that it’s easier to hide when I’m being a boy.  I don’t want to get in better shape because of anyone else.  I’m not wanting to lose weight because of societal views.  There are plenty of people who find me incredibly desirable as I am now.  I want to do it because it bothers me.  Quite frankly I feel like a fucking blob, at the moment.  Not a happy thought.  So… I have a goal and a time frame.  I’m also hoping that if I get in better shape, my knee won’t be quite so very unhappy with me.

To those who are curvy or bigger/those who like curvy or bigger, awesome.  To those who are extremely fit or skinny/those who like extremely fit/skinny, awesome.  Whether you’re bigger/skinnier naturally or with effort so long as you, yourself are happy with how you look, everybody else can fuck off.  Well… provided it isn’t adversely affecting your health.  Being healthy/alive is a good thing

Linger

In the last year or so I’ve poked around on the internet in curiosity regarding a few different people.  I wish I hadn’t.  Too much anger and pain from too many people.  I know I’m guilty of bad mouthing exes.  It’s just… depressing to find out how much some people hate me.  Part of which I’m sure I deserve.   Almost worse, is finding out they seem to have moved on without a care in the world.  Apparently I just can’t be happy.  I’ve been angry about exes before, but I’ve never hoped one died.  Which, one wrote about.  I’m also a wonder cunt apparently.  This is from the guy who emotionally/psychologically/verbally abused me.  I don’t know why it bothers me so much… but it does.  I don’t hate any of them.  I do feel anger, disappointment, and unhappiness about them, though.

I’m losing contact with some friends to varying degrees, as they move on with their lives… which also hurts.  I guess I’m doing the same thing.  People who make my life harder/more unhappy with no positive returns are having ties cut.  It seems like none of my friends can manage a new romantic interest with maintaining friendships.  Frustrating.

I basically have the house to myself right now, so I’ve been watching a lot of tv while doing things on my laptop.  However many channels there are, and nothing to watch.  My brain seems to have rotted a bit, because of some people I was around recently.  One has a promise ring from her significant other.  The other is being maid of honor at a wedding.  I feel like I’m too much of a fucking weirdo to ever get married (much less have a solid long term relationship).  Which… saddens me.  I wasn’t a little girl who planned out my wedding or anything, but I’ve given it thought in the past.  I was engaged for a while, after all.  I never was given a ring, however.  I suppose that’s a reasonable indicator of how little he cared.  I’m rambling, ugh.  Anyway, yesterday I discovered that a particular show about young girls in beauty pageants was as horrific as friends had told me.  I also was watching shows about weddings on TLC, which causes a very great feeling of shame.

I think I need someone to hit me in the head with something large so I can stop probing at old emotional wounds, stop lingering over things.  It isn’t productive.  It’s just making me more and more sad.