I think my standards are too high. Well, that and I’m an unrealistic romantic, perhaps… It isn’t like I expect actual sparks to fly with someone. I am perfectly capable of being my own separate entity, without feeling like I’m wasting away waiting for someone. For the most part. I think that I should feel better/happier/more complete with someone, than I do without them. It should feel like coming home, in a way (I’m not sure of a better way to describe it). I do believe people should be able/know how to be content on their own. Waiting around, expecting someone else to come into your life and magically make everything better is, um, incredibly unrealistic in my eyes. I don’t think there is likely to ever be a single person that fulfills all my needs. I’ve come to accept that. Part of me is still waiting for someone to basically sweep me off my feet though. Hell, it seems like the more into various kinks I get, the less likely it is that any one individual will be everything I need. I’ve had dreams from a young age that… once I was older/exposed to the kinky world, I realize were of me being a live in slave to someone. To me that kind of thinks of being truly desired, welcome, needed. The way my tastes seem to have evolved, I think I’d like to be someone’s slave. Maybe. I would like having a submissive, or possibly a slave myself, though. Blah blah blah, twue way, blah. Blah. Blah.
On the way back home from an event, I was listening to some music and realized that nearly every person I’ve been in a relationship with (especially the ones I loved in any capacity) still “carries” a part of me. More often than not I experience a sense of loss/guilt when thinking of them. Maybe it’s stupid of me, but some of the strongest emotions spawned were sometimes through interactions that weren’t in person. There have been several times where I fell in love (in some capacity or another) with someone through purely online contact. I’ve thought of trying to contact various people to speak with them, but I’m not sure if it would be welcome/appropriate or not. I’ve done some pretty shitty things to others. Granted, I still think I made the right choices in the end, but I did some unnecessarily unpleasant things nonetheless.
I’m still hurt over Draegon. I’m still hurt over a guy in Oregon who I was enamored of for like two years. I’m still a relationship n00b. I’ve a few things on my “plate” right now, most of which I don’t rightly know what to do with. During my worse days/times, I think I should just cut and run. I’m tired of doing that, though. I still think the times I’ve done that, it was the correct choice in the long term. It still was a crappy thing to do, though. Come to think of it, other people have done a fair amount of shitty things to me too. Folks, if you got a date with someone that you end up just… really not wanting to go to/participate in, fucking cancel that shit. Standing people up is a horrid thing to do.
Listening to Tool/Puscifer does weird shit to my brain, apparently. I regret a lot of things. I feel tentative/awkward/anxious about a lot at the moment. Which is leading to typing diarrhea of sorts, with lots of random ass blog posts. Ah well!
