I’ve been trying to think of something interesting to write about, but have been drawing a blank. It isn’t that I haven’t had things on my mind, because I have. It’s more that I’ve had so much on my mind and I can’t seem to concentrate on anything fully, so there isn’t anything substantial.
I got a new laptop, got some games installed on it… and am as prepared as I can be for Job Corp as far as the physical stuff I need. I’m more than a bit tense about actually starting. My high school years weren’t exactly pleasant, and that’s the primary age group of the people I will be around. I’m even more weird now than I used to be, too. I’m also concerned that people may try and steal my stuff. My hope is to keep all my stuff on my person as much as possible to reduce that risk. I managed to play some Diablo 3 recently while visiting family and finally got to Act 4. Staying with my Dad, I couldn’t really play. Horrible lag = dying all the time.
Due to little things here and there my, hmm, infatuation has dwindled to a manageable amount. I still would like to hang out, play video games and fuck the guy, but… there are other things I’m more keen on. I’ve mended a friendship with someone too, so that’s nice. There’s one interpersonal thing I need to address but I keep putting it off because I’m a cowardly piece of shit, I suppose. I can’t seem to keep myself from being bitter/angry about various things that have gone on with other people. I hold a grudge too much, perhaps. One small act of kindness doesn’t negate a larger act of shitty behavior.
I’m trying to make the most of my free time before my life is pretty much committed to Job Corp for the next 2 years. I’m still spending most of that time reading. I’ve been dabbling in some games here and there, but not as much as I might. It’s easier for me to not be distracted by other things when I’m not trying to play PC games, I guess. Reading books by Kathy Reichs sparked my interest in Anthropology again. I still think I would do well with something like that. It just… seems unattainable. Even if I manage to get a degree, finding a job where I could really put it into practice is somewhat unlikely.
I think I’m doing the same thing with my life in general, that I did when I was confronted with my Senior Project back in high school. If I can’t do something awesome/grandiose, I can’t really be bothered to put the effort in. Rather, for my life, I’m ready to write off any sort of happiness for now, in the hopes that I can get the material stuff I need to have a more pleasant life later.
Not everything is about money, but it sure as hell makes things a lot easier. I can’t have my own place without money. I can’t travel to cool places without money. I don’t get leisure time if I don’t have money. I can’t partake of most of my hobbies without at least some money. I don’t want to work until I’m 70+ before I finally get to do anything fun. Life seems ass backwards. Why do you have to spend the majority of it counting pennies and working your fingers to the bone? Why do you have to be a senior citizen before you can go do fun stuff? Shouldn’t you get to enjoy stuff like that in the prime of your life? Not to detract from people who are 65+, I was raised to respect my elders and all that. Still. It makes no sense. And that’s how I feel about my life right now. I’ll be stuck in the rat race fucking forever, I’ll be old and even more bitter by the time I have the money/leisure to go do anything, and I won’t be able to enjoy it as fully. I wanted to start saving for my retirement in my early twenties. I’m almost in my mid-twenties now, and I won’t have money to set aside until at least the later end of my twenties, and then it probably won’t be in any significant quantities.
It isn’t so much the greater changes that chafe, but general discontent. It tastes of ash and hopelessness. I’m at a point in my life where I’ve made some amazing progress in many ways, but it’s not enough. I do try to be thankful for what I have. I try to appreciate and embrace the little things. I had a great time this last weekend, but for the long term it seems like my life will be one endless path of bullshit. Hopefully once I actually start school I will perk up.