Fantasize

This is purely fictitious.  It’s going to feature abduction and rape.  If either of those are triggering for you, you’ll want to skip this post.  Also, this errr…. turned out a lot darker than I thought it was going to be.  I don’t really write erotica ever either, so please don’t judge too harshly.

Consciousness.  Too warm.  Stifling.  Eyes blink but see nothing.  Thoughts would race, except everything seems to have slowed down.  The last thing I remember is something sweet smelling, burning as it was inhaled into lungs, spreading across the tongue like some sort of obscene candy as fabric was held across mouth and nose.  Fading away, but there had been people’s hands on me, hadn’t there?  It would be so easy to just… float off.  Struggling to hold onto coherent thought.  It’s hard to breath, the heat is oppressive, and I realize I’m curled up into a ball.  Back hurting, I try to uncurl and all I get for my efforts is a sharp hot pain at the wrists and ankles.  I fade back out, lulled by the humming purr of a car’s engine and the chemicals still in my system.

Coughing, coming back to myself gasping… cold.  Unable to see, mouth gagged, bound to some form of chair.  I tense with fear, the only sound I hear is the drip of liquid from what I’m sitting on, onto the floor.  The things blindfolding and gagging me,  tied so tightly it digs into flesh.  A brusque hand at my throat the only warning before a growing expanse of chill air creeps across flesh as clothing is cut away piece by piece.  Rigid with terror, a whine of fear becoming an almost inaudible squeak through the gag.  ”Don’t move and don’t make a sound.  No one is coming to save you” a low voice growls right in my ear, making me jump as frigid metal leaves a sharp kiss on my neck.  A trickle of warmth glides its way down chilled skin as the stale tasting gag is removed from my mouth.  One instant I’m upright, the next I’m on the floor.  Still tied down, the entire right side of my face a growing blossom of pain.  Too shocked and horrified to make a sound, other than the involuntary grunt that escaped my lips when my body hit the ground.  My ears are ringing from the blow as I hear someone softly say “Stupid cunt…”

I’m untied and picked up with seemingly no effort.  They handle me as though I might just be a large bag of laundry, some thing that they don’t care about one iota.  An object.  I’m dropped roughly onto a hard surface not far below me.  Wrists are maneuvered up above my head at the same time as my legs, dangling from the knee down are pressed back against the supports of whatever I’m on.  A soft, almost buzzing sound enlightens me as to what they’re using to bind me.  Zip ties.  I can’t help myself, I try pulling at my restraints.  I can hardly move an inch.  A flush of humiliation rises on my cheeks at the same time as I blanch with terror as I realize my thighs are spread wide, my most delicate parts available for whatever they want.

Hands press hard at my wrists “We don’t want you hurting yourself, that’s what we are here to do.”  One by one each of my limbs has the zip tie clipped off and replaced with a cuff of some sort.  I can only shiver in fear as a hand callously clamps down on one of my breasts hard, making me inhale sharply with pain.  I feel the edge of a blade at my throat again, teasing the light cut made earlier while a hand putting pressure on my mouth causes me to open it.  A thick cock is forcibly shoved in, a voice growling menacingly from above, “Suck it well, or I’ll make you so ugly no one will ever want you”, the blade caressing my cheek simultaneously.  Flinching, I lick, suck, and caress the hard length as though my life depends on it with lips and tongue.  Swallowing the thick, almost viscous saliva, I struggle to force all of him down.  Ignore the tickling, don’t cough, don’t gag.  Please, please don’t let him cut my face up.

While focusing all my attention on sucking cock like there’s no tomorrow, my nipples are pinched and twisted viciously by another individual.  A brutal thrust buries a cock between my legs with no warning, making me cry out around the one shoved down my throat.  Both hard lengths drive in and out savagely, taking their pleasure of me without the slightest care for vulnerable flesh.  The man at my head tangles one hand in my hair, the other, still holding the knife teases along my skin leaving cuts here and there as his hand twitches.  Tears stream down my cheeks unnoticed, small rivulets of blood trickle feeling hot on my skin.  The sensitive flesh on my inner thighs is abused by strong hands as the rod of flesh keeps assailing my insides.  Don’t think about what’s happening.  Just do what you’re told so they won’t hurt you.  Crawl away to some dark corner within, I can’t let them get to me.  I lose track of time, of what they’re doing.  It becomes a blur of blood, sweat, and fucking.

Gagging, forced to swallow so I don’t choke.  An uncaring swat on my mishandled body follows shortly.  I thank whatever god is out there, that they’re done.  The cuffs at my wrists and ankles are unfastened, I’m picked up and surprisingly gently put down on a couch of some sort.  The blindfold is pulled off, an opened bottle of water held to my lips so I can sooth the roughness at the back of my throat.  A hand rumples my hair up, a kiss placed on my forehead.  I look up blinking at a face I recognize, a deep voice chuckles, saying ”Good girl.  I hope you had fun…”

The Dark Inside

This post might be triggering to folks.  I’ll be talking about rape, molestation, and other things of that nature.  If ya don’t like it, please skip it.

Sometimes I discover things about myself that I don’t like.  Not a particularly huge revelation, I know.  Sometimes it’s just things that make me profoundly uncomfortable or that I just.. don’t know what to do with.  The longer I’m alive, the more I learn about myself.  I feel awkward saying that I find rape-y porn super hot.  It bothers me if I’m looking for smut of that type, and it looks fake.  The more realistic it seems, the better.  I don’t want the one being “raped” to start getting into it, making those horribly phony orgasm sounds.  I want them fighting back, struggling, and screaming.  If not that, to at least look terrified, to become passive.  Like what happened when I was raped.

It has taken quite some time to come to terms with some things.  In talking about past experiences with others, I was told certain events were rape.  It took a long time for me to accept it for what it was.  When I was with an ex and our relationship had been falling apart for a while, we stopped having sex.  He started sleeping on the couch (he was living in my apartment).  I didn’t see a reason to change my living habits, just because we weren’t together anymore.  I still hung out naked at home.  It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen it all before, hadn’t touched it all before.  He came up to me when I was laying on the couch reading (or playing on my DS… I can’t remember).  He tried to initiate sex.  I told him no.  Twice.  He kept going.  At some point, the thought crossed my mind that if I just let him get it over with, he would leave me alone sooner.  So I lay there silently while he had his way with me, after I told him no.  I suppose I can be thankful that it was from behind so I didn’t have to look at him.  I thought that rape was only rape if there was fighting, kicking, screaming, struggle.  I still wonder if I had fought against him if he would have stopped.

When I first got into the kinky community after turning 18, I was innocent.  I was naive.  This may seem weird, considering the kind of perverse role-play I used to do online in chat rooms, but it’s true.  I was such a fucking door mat at that point in my life, that I didn’t voice protests when I went to the local kink-friendly/sex-positive center and all the males I interacted with expected orgasm/sex of some sort.  I didn’t have interest sexually in any of them.  I just wanted them to beat me, tie me up, etc.  Instead they got blow-jobs and intercourse after a bit of half-hearted BDSM.  This is when I was going there with an escort of sorts.  I don’t blame them for the sexual contact I didn’t want.  I didn’t say anything typically.  The ones I did negotiate with, who did things without my consent, I do blame.  The men who wheedled and whined when I awkwardly commented about how I wasn’t really interested in intercourse, who made me feel like it was wrong for me to not fuck them?  I do blame.  I didn’t think any of the above was sexual assault in any form until other people pointed it out to me.

I got molested as a kid.  I was probably 8 or 9.  Some neighborhood teen found me playing in the space between my parent’s house, and our neighbor’s house.  It was hidden from the street mostly by a large shrubbery of some sort.  It was hidden from the backyard by a fence.  He only touched me and had me touch him.  It could have been a lot worse.  He threatened me, he threatened my parents too.  I didn’t say anything to my parents for a few years.  When I finally did tell them, they didn’t believe me.  Thanks for that, mom and dad.

In spite of that, I still think rape-y porn is hot.  I’m starting to think older partner/younger partner role play is kind of sexy.  I think Nazi uniforms are hot.  I tend to want to hurt people more than they enjoy, in kinky/sexual situations.  Sometimes I feel as though if I were to take a moment to “look” inside myself, all that would be staring back is a colorless abyss.  I sometimes wonder if I’m “broken” in some way, because sex that isn’t rough in some context just doesn’t get me off.  At least, not in my prior experiences.  I fantasize about knives, bleeding, pain, and rape.  In some ways I can even see guns being sexy.

When I was underage by a good margin, I used to flirt/chat up guys online who were in their twenties to thirties.  Some of whom I took pictures of myself for.  Re-watching Hard Candy stirs me in very strange and fucked up ways.  I’m not into adult babies.  I’m not into incest play.  But the young teenager/older individual grabs me in some way.

As further random thoughts: sometimes I wish I could look super feminine.  Delicate with an edge of steel.  Other times I wish I could completely pass as a male.  I still think I would be happiest looking somewhere in-between the majority of the time.  I badly want to get a packer/underwear that would hold a packer, but I lack the funds at the moment.  I keep feeling tempted to cut my hair super short again.  I’ve been feeling like I wish I could find a lady to date too.. in spite of knowing that won’t happen since I live in the middle of bum fuck nowhere, and I don’t really socialize much out here.

I’m sure this post is all kinds of strange rambling.  I blame the vicodin I’m on, since I had my last wisdom tooth yanked out yesterday morning.  Yes, I’m blaming the pills.  Shut up

Controversy

I’ve had a fascination with rape play for… quite a while now. I don’t think that fantasy is going to go anywhere anytime soon, either. I’ve tried ignoring it, but the fact is that rough and forceful just flat out “does” it for me. It turns me on, makes me wet and makes me squirm. I recently was linked a porn site that has quite an astounding variety and you can browse by tags. After perusing here and there I started watching videos with the “rape” tag. I ended up cumming from masturbating while watching one, and I can’t help but feel guilty now.

Real rape is horrifying and terrible and I don’t think it’s funny at all, nor do I find it sexy. While watching the movie Boys Don’t Cry, the rape scene made me incredibly uncomfortable. As a victim of sexual violation myself, I don’t think the times that I was used were hot at all. I think they were horrible and wrong. As a result I’m really torn, and this is one of my fantasies that I’m most uncomfortable with.

The first time I was ever restrained during play, I was incredibly passive. I figured I was being a good kitty, and if they wanted me to be just so, I would stay like that. The first time I had a Dominant ask me to struggle I felt super awkward. Once I became more comfortable with the idea, I think it’s a lot of fun. I know I can’t actually get anywhere, between whatever is tying me up/holding me down, whether it’s rope, cuffs, or with their own body. They are stronger, and there is nothing I can do about it.

I really hope to work up to being able to do a rape scene with a partner, and specifically for that scene to forgo a safe word. This isn’t something I’ve ever done, I’ve -always- had an out. I imagine doing the scene will probably fuck with me psychologically too, but I still want it. I know it’s probably not the wisest choice to not have a safe word, especially due to the nature of what kind of a scenario it is, but I think I can be smart about it. I’ve talked with people about it before, but have never felt the trust with anyone yet, to consider following through and doing it.

In any case, rape play makes me hot…