State of Mind

I’m meant to be curled up in my bed, passed the hell out.  Classes for Fall Quarter start tomorrow.  Instead, I’m listening to some drum-step and writing this.  I have too many thoughts bouncing around the inside of my cranium to relax.  I need to get off my ass and apply to a couple of Universities.  I need to meet with a counselor/adviser at my current school to figure out how I’m going to cram all my remaining degree requirements into as short of a time period as possible.  I need to think about the possibility of asking family for a loan to cover expenses too, or else get more/larger student loans.  The federal financial aid I’m getting won’t cover too many credits over what are necessary for my degree.  By number I’m already over what are required.  Unfortunately, I’m lacking in a couple areas as far as specific courses, which I’m in the process of completing.  I still think I want to pursue Socio-Cultural Anthropology, but I’m considering options to supplement my finances too.

In the last few weeks I’ve had the chance to get friendly with a variety of people who are able to pull in some cash through doing game streams on Twitch.  In theory, someone who I know through Twitch/Steam is going to be gifting me a new (to me) desktop gaming rig.  I’m not 100% on this yet.  They may fall through.  It’s a huge/amazing gift, if they do follow through.  If that does end up happening, I’ll be equipped to start trying to do my own game streams.  I’m attempting to get my account changed over from Justin TV to Twitch at the moment, too.  In my “day to day” life I’m more of an introvert than ever… but online I’m making friends and networking.  I’m completely broke, but I’ve been able to offer my time/energy to a couple cool people this weekend as well as last weekend when they did 24 hour streams.

One of the other things on my mind has been a blossoming flirtation with someone.  They’re not local.  Of course they’re not local.  I’m not making any assumptions until I get a chance to meet this person, if I ever do get that opportunity at all.  I’ve had hard lessons about offering my heart freely in the past.  Then again, someone else has been flirting hard with me the last week or so, and while I don’t think they “mean” it in any serious way, I’m starting to wonder… and everything is increasingly topsy turvy.

In short, my brain needs to shut up and go to sleep.  I have to be able to at least FAKE perky behavior for my first day of classes, damn it.

Bend

I’m always surprised and intrigued to know what people think of me.  Day to day I’m usually in jeans and a tank top or t-shirt, depending on how hot it is.  If it’s toasty, it might be shorts or a skirt… if it’s cold I’ll likely be wearing a nerdy hoodie of some sort.  I was talking with Q and some interesting things came to light.  Out of the circle of females he knows, he considers me one of the more feminine.  He also considers me to be on the more “normal” side of humans.

I don’t think of myself as “normal” at all.  It isn’t that I try to be weird or to stand out, but I feel I stand apart from much of the animal masses.  People often seem surprised at how much of a metal head I am, as far as music.  Sometimes when folks see photos of when I’m in goth attire, and their mind is blown.  I flip flop between quite femme and boyish.  On the internet I’m much more social than I am in my day to day life.  I can’t be around people for too long without some alone time.  It seems that people think I’ll be this meek little innocent because of being an introvert.  Some people, anyway.

I find it amusing to be other than what people expect of me.  I wish I could shape shift.  I would look different every day.  I can’t seem to settle on any one thing.  Gender identity, dominance vs. submission, career path, and the list just goes on and on.  It’s odd, as much as I generally dislike being labeled by other people, I fairly frequently label myself.  I like challenging people’s perceptions of me.  At the same time, I think I am still malleable… if I like someone a lot, I tend to want to be more what they desire.  I need to keep my head on straight.  I have to remind myself to not overstep boundaries.  I have to remind myself to not lose myself or sight of priorities.

Since summer quarter ended I have done VERY little productive stuff.  I’ve been devoured by Skyrim.  That game is glitchy as fuck.  I broke the game hard enough with my first character that I deleted her and completely restarted.  Thankfully, Steam makes it super easy to mod.  I’ve made things run more smoothly in general.  Sadly, I’m going to have to completely redo the Thieves’ Guild quest chain, which makes a part inside cry a little.  I’m running around with a dark elf turned Vampire Lord.  Primarily a destruction/elemental damage type spell caster, but also sneaky.  Fun game.  This is the most I’ve ever had the chance to play this franchise.  As a last aside, I picked up the recent Humble Bundle, and EA’s client Origin makes me want to break things.  I’ve been trying off and on for several days to get a single game to install.  It’s not even 7 gigs and it is only about 30% done.  Horrible.

Antisleep Rambling

I’m tired, but not.  Spent a bit of time this evening catching up with an ex-boyfriend of mine.  We both would like to find our long term/life-long someone(s).  I would say I miss romance, but I’ve never really had someone who offered it to me.  I definitely miss touch/contact, though.  I’m just rambling in a slightly intoxicated manner, truth be told.  I got some wine I’ve been curious about for a bit.. and I failed hard at removing the cork.  Clearly it was a divine sign that I was supposed to drink the entire bottle by myself, tonight.  I’m such a fucking light-weight anymore, that I’m just about done with it approximately 5 hours later and I’m pleasantly tipsy.

I met with a prospective submissive this week, which was an interesting and fun experience.  I got to paddle his ass, though it was done somewhat carefully since I had to be mindful of sound carrying, what with living in a dorm.  I also got to drip hot wax all over from shoulder to mid-thigh on his front.  I’ve had wax used on me before, but never done so to another.  It was quite fun!  I ended up laughing a lot, which… granted, probably is not what everyone would want, but damn it… they can find someone else, that isn’t me, to play with.

Given that I am a bit inebriated I will post something that is more brutally honest than I typically might, that was on my mind the last week or two.  There have been more than a few of my past significant others, who I broke up with in large part because I wasn’t sexually attracted enough to them.  I never have told any of these particular individuals this nor do I intend to.  I’m not so shallow that this was the only reason I dumped them, mind you.  It was a factor, though.  I feel like a right piece of shit for it, too.  I see myself as VERY far from some lovely model of aesthetic perfection, but I can’t seem to help it.  I notice I’m still a coward/chicken-shit when it comes to confronting people too.  I avoid it where I can.  I’ll stand up for myself if I have to, but if I can just kind of… let things slide, I seem to do that.  I hate that.  I need to grow a pair.  Not sure exactly what a pair of, but a pair, none the less.

As a last aside, this title is in part to the music of Blue Stahli, with the various albums titled Antisleep.  Rather appropriate at the moment.  I’m tired and a bit sad.  I should go to sleep, but I also don’t want to.  Inside of my head is much too crowded lately.  Too much going on, so what have I been doing?  I’ve been playing obscene amounts of computer games and avoiding all of it.  YAY!

Fizzle

I’m not sure what has been going on lately, but my libido seems to be on the fritz.  Not that I’m really going to complain, ha.  I’ve even been having a somewhat harder time getting myself off, which IS frustrating.  I need to figure out what’s going on… watching porn doesn’t help, nor does anything else that I have tried.  Anyway, just a random little update about the weirdness in my life.

On a positive note, I’m almost done with Summer Quarter! YAY!  So ready to be done.  I am sick of my classes.

Cheat

I’ve never cheated on anyone.  Ever.  I see no point to it.  My perspective on it is as follows…  If your relationship with someone overall leaves you unhappy, after effort and time has been put in to fix it, you might as well end it.  Life is too short to be discontent and chafe under the restraints of a miserable relationship.  If you have a generally good relationship with someone, but you’re just a horny fucker, keep it in your fucking pants.  Figure out how to spice up/tweak your sex life.  Maybe discuss an open relationship.  Something.  But don’t fucking cheat.

I have been approached by WAY too many fucking assholes, who think I’ll be their discrete little something on the side.  I won’t.  I won’t do that to your partner and I won’t do that shit to myself.  In a similar vein, I won’t wait around for you either, while you try and make up your mind.  If you’ve been unhappy in your relationship for damn near a year, have contemplated breaking up with them, and suddenly for one day they become fantastic?  I’m still not waiting around.  I am not a secondary option.  Not right now, anyway.  Yes, I think polyamory and open relationships in and of themselves can be awesome.  Yes, ideally I’ll be with two different people in a long term relationship.  That doesn’t mean that I will tolerate being treated like a second class whatever, just because I’m single right now.

I’m generally a pretty relaxed, mellow individual… but right now?  Yeah, you can bet your sweet ass I’m pissed.  I try to be civil and generally respectful to people.  Lying and/or cheating are real good ways to make me lose all regard for you, however.  I’m having to physically bite my tongue right now, to refrain from raining all over someone’s parade in the most virulently vile verbiage that I can think of.

We Shall See

I’m meeting a potential submissive this week.  We have had some very interesting chats over the last few weeks.  I am cautiously optimistic.  I have had a couple of other submissive folks talking with me lately too, and I am tentatively supposed to meet another person next week.  Some of the questions brought up while talking have been hard for me to answer.  Not because I feel awkward or shy in any way, but just because I haven’t had to think about some of the scenarios before.  I’ve been in a submissive role as far as BDSM stuff since I was, well, before I turned 18, let’s just say.  I’ve only been in a dominant role really, with one person.  Interesting food for thought.  I’ve been putting special effort and energy in, to make sure I don’t lose touch with my kinky side.  Especially because I’ve been in turmoil over so much lately, I need something to help ground me.

I have been incredibly low energy lately, for the most part.  Just trying to make myself get up and go to class has been hard.  I’ve decided that whatever the situation with my dad, it’s his life.  If his new lady doesn’t like me, tough.  I won’t change my behavior to make someone like me.  I haven’t the energy to expend pretending to be something I’m not.  Same for her kids.  I do hope to get along with them, if they all are going to become a part of the family.  If not however, I won’t shade any tears over it.  As a random aside, I’ve decided to pursue socio-cultural anthropology, as far as my higher education goes.  I don’t want to spend years and thousands of dollars getting degrees in a field that I only chose because of somewhat better job viability.  Even if I can’t get work specifically as an anthropologist after getting my degrees, I can do other jobs that would be of interest.

I’m in a mild quandary, as a last aside.  Whenever I’ve had a FWB before, I never had to be the one asking to meet up.  Ever.  It was always them contacting me frequently, trying to get some of my time.  The last couple of weeks have had a lot going on for myself and the local boy I got with recently.  I have no problem with that.  I do however, feel weird trying to think up a way to ask him to come by so we can fuck.  Well, ok, that’s not entirely true.  I tell Q quite frequently that he needs to come visit so I can leave bites and claw marks all over him.  He’s an exception for me for a lot of things, however.  I’ve never been the one to make a booty call.  For local boy, is a text ok?  An instant message?  I don’t know the protocol for this kind of crap.  It’s not like there’s a handbook.  Not that I know of, anyway….

Moving On

I got a call from my dad last night.  He’s in love with someone and is seriously considering getting married.  He has apparently known this woman for about 27 years.  I apparently met her in my childhood, but as far as I can recall I’ve met her once.  She’s in the process of a divorce from her current husband.  She and my dad have only been in a relationship for about 6 weeks.  My mom hasn’t even been gone two years.

I feel like she’s going to try and take my mom’s place, even though he says she isn’t.  I’m going to try and be as nice/reasonable about this as I can, but…  It’s hard.  My dad is probably going to sell the house and the property that he and my mom had.  Move elsewhere.  The house was -theirs- and it hurts a part of me to think of him not living there anymore.  Her ashes are scattered in the area surrounding the property.  He’s moving on.  Leaving her behind.  And it hurts me more than I thought it would.  Which is weird, because in a lot of ways I don’t feel like her death caused me that much distress/anguish.

And, as shallow and scum of the earth as it sounds, I’m a little pissed that now there’s going to be this new woman, and her two kids being forced into my life, my family.  Now, the financial stuff that my dad had been working on, for when he passes away, which will hopefully not be anytime soon, is going to be split with her, her kids, and my brother and I.  I don’t feel like they have a right to it.  My dad says it’s his duty to try and make sure his loved ones are taken care of.  I can understand maybe, the woman.  But her kids?  This whole situation is making me angry and hurting me, but I do want my dad to be happy.  I really do.  It’s just… so hard.