I’m tired, but not. Spent a bit of time this evening catching up with an ex-boyfriend of mine. We both would like to find our long term/life-long someone(s). I would say I miss romance, but I’ve never really had someone who offered it to me. I definitely miss touch/contact, though. I’m just rambling in a slightly intoxicated manner, truth be told. I got some wine I’ve been curious about for a bit.. and I failed hard at removing the cork. Clearly it was a divine sign that I was supposed to drink the entire bottle by myself, tonight. I’m such a fucking light-weight anymore, that I’m just about done with it approximately 5 hours later and I’m pleasantly tipsy.
I met with a prospective submissive this week, which was an interesting and fun experience. I got to paddle his ass, though it was done somewhat carefully since I had to be mindful of sound carrying, what with living in a dorm. I also got to drip hot wax all over from shoulder to mid-thigh on his front. I’ve had wax used on me before, but never done so to another. It was quite fun! I ended up laughing a lot, which… granted, probably is not what everyone would want, but damn it… they can find someone else, that isn’t me, to play with.
Given that I am a bit inebriated I will post something that is more brutally honest than I typically might, that was on my mind the last week or two. There have been more than a few of my past significant others, who I broke up with in large part because I wasn’t sexually attracted enough to them. I never have told any of these particular individuals this nor do I intend to. I’m not so shallow that this was the only reason I dumped them, mind you. It was a factor, though. I feel like a right piece of shit for it, too. I see myself as VERY far from some lovely model of aesthetic perfection, but I can’t seem to help it. I notice I’m still a coward/chicken-shit when it comes to confronting people too. I avoid it where I can. I’ll stand up for myself if I have to, but if I can just kind of… let things slide, I seem to do that. I hate that. I need to grow a pair. Not sure exactly what a pair of, but a pair, none the less.
As a last aside, this title is in part to the music of Blue Stahli, with the various albums titled Antisleep. Rather appropriate at the moment. I’m tired and a bit sad. I should go to sleep, but I also don’t want to. Inside of my head is much too crowded lately. Too much going on, so what have I been doing? I’ve been playing obscene amounts of computer games and avoiding all of it. YAY!