Antisleep Rambling

I’m tired, but not.  Spent a bit of time this evening catching up with an ex-boyfriend of mine.  We both would like to find our long term/life-long someone(s).  I would say I miss romance, but I’ve never really had someone who offered it to me.  I definitely miss touch/contact, though.  I’m just rambling in a slightly intoxicated manner, truth be told.  I got some wine I’ve been curious about for a bit.. and I failed hard at removing the cork.  Clearly it was a divine sign that I was supposed to drink the entire bottle by myself, tonight.  I’m such a fucking light-weight anymore, that I’m just about done with it approximately 5 hours later and I’m pleasantly tipsy.

I met with a prospective submissive this week, which was an interesting and fun experience.  I got to paddle his ass, though it was done somewhat carefully since I had to be mindful of sound carrying, what with living in a dorm.  I also got to drip hot wax all over from shoulder to mid-thigh on his front.  I’ve had wax used on me before, but never done so to another.  It was quite fun!  I ended up laughing a lot, which… granted, probably is not what everyone would want, but damn it… they can find someone else, that isn’t me, to play with.

Given that I am a bit inebriated I will post something that is more brutally honest than I typically might, that was on my mind the last week or two.  There have been more than a few of my past significant others, who I broke up with in large part because I wasn’t sexually attracted enough to them.  I never have told any of these particular individuals this nor do I intend to.  I’m not so shallow that this was the only reason I dumped them, mind you.  It was a factor, though.  I feel like a right piece of shit for it, too.  I see myself as VERY far from some lovely model of aesthetic perfection, but I can’t seem to help it.  I notice I’m still a coward/chicken-shit when it comes to confronting people too.  I avoid it where I can.  I’ll stand up for myself if I have to, but if I can just kind of… let things slide, I seem to do that.  I hate that.  I need to grow a pair.  Not sure exactly what a pair of, but a pair, none the less.

As a last aside, this title is in part to the music of Blue Stahli, with the various albums titled Antisleep.  Rather appropriate at the moment.  I’m tired and a bit sad.  I should go to sleep, but I also don’t want to.  Inside of my head is much too crowded lately.  Too much going on, so what have I been doing?  I’ve been playing obscene amounts of computer games and avoiding all of it.  YAY!

We Shall See

I’m meeting a potential submissive this week.  We have had some very interesting chats over the last few weeks.  I am cautiously optimistic.  I have had a couple of other submissive folks talking with me lately too, and I am tentatively supposed to meet another person next week.  Some of the questions brought up while talking have been hard for me to answer.  Not because I feel awkward or shy in any way, but just because I haven’t had to think about some of the scenarios before.  I’ve been in a submissive role as far as BDSM stuff since I was, well, before I turned 18, let’s just say.  I’ve only been in a dominant role really, with one person.  Interesting food for thought.  I’ve been putting special effort and energy in, to make sure I don’t lose touch with my kinky side.  Especially because I’ve been in turmoil over so much lately, I need something to help ground me.

I have been incredibly low energy lately, for the most part.  Just trying to make myself get up and go to class has been hard.  I’ve decided that whatever the situation with my dad, it’s his life.  If his new lady doesn’t like me, tough.  I won’t change my behavior to make someone like me.  I haven’t the energy to expend pretending to be something I’m not.  Same for her kids.  I do hope to get along with them, if they all are going to become a part of the family.  If not however, I won’t shade any tears over it.  As a random aside, I’ve decided to pursue socio-cultural anthropology, as far as my higher education goes.  I don’t want to spend years and thousands of dollars getting degrees in a field that I only chose because of somewhat better job viability.  Even if I can’t get work specifically as an anthropologist after getting my degrees, I can do other jobs that would be of interest.

I’m in a mild quandary, as a last aside.  Whenever I’ve had a FWB before, I never had to be the one asking to meet up.  Ever.  It was always them contacting me frequently, trying to get some of my time.  The last couple of weeks have had a lot going on for myself and the local boy I got with recently.  I have no problem with that.  I do however, feel weird trying to think up a way to ask him to come by so we can fuck.  Well, ok, that’s not entirely true.  I tell Q quite frequently that he needs to come visit so I can leave bites and claw marks all over him.  He’s an exception for me for a lot of things, however.  I’ve never been the one to make a booty call.  For local boy, is a text ok?  An instant message?  I don’t know the protocol for this kind of crap.  It’s not like there’s a handbook.  Not that I know of, anyway….

Braggadocio

Pride.  Vanity.  Smugness.

Fairly recently I had someone imply that I’m not a good submissive/bottom.  I was a trifle offended, but I was mostly shocked.  I’ve never felt that I was bratty.  I’ve never felt that I “topped from the bottom”.  I tend to take pride in being good.  I do what I’m told and like making the individual(s) I submit to happy.  This conversation came about after they watched/assisted Sir while he was using needles and fire cups on me.  I talked with him at a later point, because I was so surprised at the other person’s comment.  He said no, he didn’t have any unhappiness/concerns over my behavior.  Rather, he thought that I just had a very “West Coast” attitude.  I tend to chatter a lot when I’m nervous/excited.  I also am a firm believer of saying so if something bothers me/feels wrong/feels bad in a way I don’t enjoy (assuming something isn’t a punishment and is being done for fun).

In this particular instance I was chatting away with Sir while he stuck needles in me.  There were grimaces as well as other funny faces made.  There was squirming.  There were comments along the lines of “Fuuuuuuck that one hurt!”.  It had been a fair amount of time since Sir and I had gotten to play much.  In particular, he had forgotten that I’m rather protective of my nipples.  He put one of the fire cups over a nipple and I may have been a bit distressed.  I asked that it be removed/taken off.  Apparently from the above, this third person thought I wasn’t a very good submissive.  Go figure.

When I first started getting involved with my local BDSM community I had the (mistaken) impression that it was part of my worth as a submissive if I could handle more.  I thought that those who could handle more pain than I could, were somehow better than I am.  This isn’t true.  BDSM isn’t a competition (well unless it actually IS a competition, but you get my point).  If whoever I’m submitting to has no problem with me, it’s nobody else’s fucking business if they think I’m doing it wrong.  The exception being if something is genuinely being done unsafely, like if someone were being flogged right over where their kidney is (don’t do that crap and don’t let someone else do it to you either).  I’ll continue doing things the way I have been.  Sir likes me as I am.  I like myself (mostly).  The peanut gallery’s opinion doesn’t mean anything.

As an aside, this blog as well as most of my other online activities may severely be reduced in the future (rather, I may be mostly absent for an extended period of time).  I applied for and was accepted to one of Job Corp’s Tech programs.  This means I’ll be spending roughly the next two years living on one of their campuses.  It’s affiliated with/funded by the government so I’m imagining the internet will have filters on it… I’m still not even sure if they’ll let me have my 80GB iPod Classic, DS Lite, or Kindle Touch.  I know for sure that they don’t allow phones that have cameras, nor do they allow laptops.  I won’t get to be on instant messenger (I’m not logging into that shit on a shared/public computer nor am I going to install something on a machine that isn’t mine).  I won’t get to be on Steam.  I definitely won’t be able to be on IRC chat.  I’m not sure yet about Twitter or FaceBook.  I won’t get to write product reviews for Eden Fantasy’s anymore, for sure.  It’s tentative whether or not I’ll be able to post here.  I’m likely going to be moving to the campus next month at some point.  I’m nervous and trying not to stress.  I’ve not had to do anything scholastic for nearly 7 years.  I’ve always had my own room at least, when sharing an apartment or house with someone.  The campus has dorm living.  I could be sharing my room with up to six other people.  Hopefully everything goes well.  I need/want to find a super discrete vibrator so I can still masturbate… a dildo would be too conspicuous and sex toys are technically not allowed.  Ugh.  It’s not like I’ve been having intercourse lately and now I won’t even have many chances to masturbate.  Uncool.

New Things

I’ve been getting to try new stuff lately!

Imagine taking about a 5″ segment of ginger, peeling it, pureeing it in a blender, infusing it with about a cup or so of lube, then straining it.  It actually didn’t do a whole lot for me.  Mildly tingly/hot feeling, but just barely.  It was worth experimenting with, if nothing else.  I think it would actually work really well as a non-scary way to introduce someone to ginger.

After that, a peeled ginger plug was rubbed with ginger lube (moar ginger, moar ginger) and put in.  It took a bit to really warm up, but even so it was about the same intensity as my strongest Tiger Balm, which I use as lube for my glass butt plug anyway.  It helped me further realize that anything remotely pointy/poky in my ass doesn’t feel too good.

I was given the chance to fist a lovely boy named R.  Super cute boy.  W was curled up in bed with us, both of them walking me through the process.  It was pretty fucking awesome.  I have a whole new appreciation for how strong people’s pelvic muscles are, as well as further insight to how female genitals work.  I genuinely don’t know what I could compare having my entire hand inside someone’s body to.  It’s something people will just have to try on their own, I think.

Nice thing about polyamorous folks and kinky households?  I’ve met a pretty cool person who I initially was just having fun bantering with.  But then I realized both my stuffed animals are at home and a king sized bed in a basement is fucking cold to sleep in alone.  So, I’ve been getting some cuddles and such in with them.  Wee bit of breath play too, and I’m super fucking surprised to discover that I REALLY like it.  It was “only” having his hand on my throat and gripping relatively lightly, but it put me in quite the interesting head-space.  I used to think I would never do it, because an ex placed their hand on my neck lightly once in the middle of sex and it freaked me the hell out.  I’m a bit claustrophobic and it always bothers me somewhat if I can’t breath relatively fresh air.  When I first started working in a large office building, it took weeks for me to get used to the circulated-ish air inside.

Chloroform.  I didn’t actually think I would have the opportunity to play with this ever.  It had slipped my mind that W has it on hand.  Apparently one of the kinky folks in the household who I’ve been talking with mentioned my interest in it to W, so last night I got to lay back on a giant bean bag chair and a cloth with chloroform dripped on it placed over my nose + mouth.  It felt sting-y/burn-y where the cloth was up against my lips.  Initially it smelled rather like alcohol.  Then it started smelling sweet and I felt like I could taste it.  It was a really neat sensation of disconnecting with everything, my body, the environment around me.  I was able to hear when people talked to me, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open, and it was like my brain was lagging.  It felt as though it took me a very long time to process thoughts.  Super awesome stuff and I can’t wait to try it again sometime in the future.  With the dose I was given, it isn’t anything like the way Hollywood portrays chloroform (go figure).  I didn’t just drop like a stone half a second after having the cloth placed over my mouth/nose.

W got 3 different sizes of cups for fire cupping and wants to do a tentacle inspired scene.  He’s wanting to do it after piercing me with needles, so that the cups will make me bleed out more.  Yummy!  All in all, it has been quite a fun visit so far.  We’ll be going to a munch this evening.

Double Standards Part 2

I was discussing my first post titled Double Standards with someone and it brought about some further insight.  Apologies ahead of time if I ramble/don’t make a ton of sense.  I haven’t been sleeping well lately.  I’m anxious about a potential major life change, as well as dealing with pain from some various issues.

We were talking about my weirdness in regards to someone I’m interested in either being single and only being involved with me, versus me getting involved with someone who I already know has relationships with other people.  I elaborated further, saying the first situation matters mostly when I’m getting to know someone/just recently started seeing them.  I hadn’t considered the reasoning behind this before.  All I came up with when pondering it, was that I’m insecure.  If I’m the new person that someone is interested in, in spite of already having other partners, I know they are genuinely interested in me in some way.  Even if it’s something purely carnal.

If someone I’m seeing is currently single, but I find out they’re going on dates with other people however… it sets off all kinds of insecurity for me.  What if they suddenly start liking someone else more, before really giving me a chance?  I know it’s mostly irrational.  If someone is interested in me, they’ll be interested me either way.  Or, if they’re that fickle, I’m not likely to be particularly keen on them long term.  I realize it’s something I should probably work on.  There are so many quirks about myself that I’m trying very hard to improve upon.

To elaborate more… the person who indirectly led to this post + part one was a bit surprised to find out I really don’t care if he has sex with someone.  We both know each other does pervy stuff online, but it doesn’t mean anything to me.  He knows I have had a kinky play partner for a while now.  Besides, we live rather far away from each other.  Anything beyond the interaction we currently have is an impossibility.  Given how successful my long distance attempts at anything in the past have blown up in my face horribly, I’ve made no promises beyond that I would like to give things a chance/see what might arise between the two of us if given the chance.

I keep having to explain to various people things like polyamory (as well as the idea of primary + secondary partners), gender queer, and GGG… this includes two of my cousins, my dad, and a ton of random online acquaintances.  I am apparently becoming the go-between for a growing variety of less knowledgeable/vanilla/etc. type folks and the wonderful world of not M/F monogamous relationships, Dan Savage, and more broad gender identities than male and female.  I don’t mind in the least.  I’m glad to be able to offer what insight I can to other folks.  It simultaneously makes me feel proud as well as awkward.  I don’t want to steer people in the wrong direction, or fail at explaining myself clearly enough.  I’m doing the best I can though.  Hopefully I’m doing my own small part to help broaden the minds of others, while still leaving them to make up their own minds.

Shame

There have not been many times where I have truly felt shame.  It just isn’t an emotion I typically deal with.  That isn’t to say I haven’t dealt with embarrassment, or feeling awkward, etc., in the past.  The only immediate thing that comes to mind when I try to recall feeling shame before, is when I was told I had HSV-2.  I tend to feel a bit ashamed if I cry too.  This is why I was utterly shocked when I faced overwhelming feelings of shame on the day after Thanksgiving, when I went and played with my friend Daddy W.  I had known the physical pain might let me break down enough to try and face the emotional pain of my mother dying, but I had not been expecting shame.  At all.  There was a nice warm up, before I really started getting whacked with the floggers he was using on me.  Certainly something I had experienced before.  Hell, I had warned him that I was likely to cry, that I was hoping to, even.

Instead, not only was I having to deal with my normal discomfort about crying in front of someone, but my mind was racing with thoughts of what people would think if they knew I was naked, being beaten with a flogger.  Particularly, my fear over what my mom would have thought, if she had known any details of the things I’ve done over the 23 years of my life.  On a scale of vanilla to depraved, getting flogged is hardly the worst thing I’ve ever done.  More than a week later, I’m still trying to process what happened.

I’m not going to stop pursuing the people I’m interested in, nor am I going to stop doing kinky things.  I think… my mom dying has temporarily negatively affected my view on most things.  I assume that eventually I’ll cope with it better.  This is just something else I have to work through.

Thirty Days of Kink – Day 30

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

I couldn’t think of anything super creative, so I’m going to haphazardly discuss etiquette for different things.

If you are so inclined and go to a local dungeon/kink friendly club, even more than usual one should be polite.  Randomly trying to grope someone is a major no no, though I’ve had the misfortune of some bastard trying to do that once.  Just because someone is naked and you think they’re hot, doesn’t entitle you to a damn thing.

Demanding that everyone call you Master so and so, Goddess this or that, etc is… well, obnoxious.  Unless I belong to you, I don’t owe you a single thing, other than the general respect that I offer to anyone.  Exceptions to that of course, are if the person you belong to is choosing to share you with another/have you serve someone else, then a title of respect may be appropriate.

Thinking that the way you do your kink is better than the way someone else does the same thing.  Unless you’re compromising someone’s health.. different strokes for different folks.  Being condescending or holier than thou, is a bit ridiculous.  We’re all pervy fuckers, so don’t knock someone else’s kink, just because it doesn’t turn YOU on.

As a last aside… breaking up with someone over text messages or instant messenger is a piece of shit thing to do.  Have the freaking decency to at least do it over the phone.  Or video chat.  Or in person, like people with some balls would do.  Obviously, some exceptions may be made for long distance relationships or something like that.