Attempting to Stream

As far as I can tell from discussing OBS settings with a few people, I shouldn’t have any problems there.  I’m using an i7 CPU and haven’t had any problems running things as far as my computer’s capabilities in general.  The internet I use is usually at 10 ping at most and the minimum DL/UL typically hovers around 40 mbps/20 mbps respectively, but I’ve seen it as high as 90 mbps/65 mbps.   I haven’t dropped a single frame thus far.  However, my stream gets completely disrupted periodically, and I’m not sure why.  It’s very frustrating.  I’m also sticking to only playing games that I don’t mind playing in a windowed mode for the moment.  I want to watch my channel’s chat and to interact with viewers, and without a secondary monitor nor having wifi I can use for my net book, options are limited.

Lately I’ve been playing Binding of Isaac with some Diablo 3 thrown in here and there.  I’m burnt out on Borderlands 2.  I picked up Osu! recently which I am remarkably bad at.  I also rediscovered how much fun Audiosurf is.  105 games on Steam, not enough time for all of them!  I still don’t have a set stream schedule unfortunately, because too many things in my life are up in the air.  I really appreciate the folks who have helped me get to where I am already, though.  Ryokorhm for my computer, Ninjaunwanted for some games, and Ishnoob for the BL2 TK Baha pack plus chocolate.  I also want to thank those of you have Followed me on Twitch.  I hope I am able to provide some consistent entertainment for everybody.  I just need to iron out a few wrinkles.

Diablurh 3 Hardcore

I started playing with the first  of the three games, and have played a ridiculous amount of all.  Particularly the second one.  I never played hard core in D2 however.  I made my first HC character, a wizard, a few weeks back.  She died at level 12.  My second HC character was also a wizard.  She was almost at paragon 25 and had pretty spiffy gear, 99% of which had been given to me.  Hundreds of millions of gold worth.  No idea how she died, either.  Unstable Anomaly didn’t go off.  I went from full health to dead.  Incredibly frustrating.  I feel really bad about the people who gave me gear, even though all of them seem to have shrugged it off.  They told me to just start a new character and try again.

If I do Twitch stream some Diablo 3, in addition to playing Skyrim (which is the top choice so far from http://strawpoll.me/502349 ) I’ll PROBABLY not be playing HC.  Too frustrating.  😦  On the upside, I’m supposed to get my hands on my new computer on Monday.  And I have my headset back, and the mic is properly working.  Thus far.

Computer, woo!

I’m supposed to be getting my new computer on Monday, which is freaking AMAZING.  I got my A40s back from the manufacturer, supposedly they’re fixed.  I haven’t been able to test this, because they forgot to return the USB-to-mix amp cord, which is also the power.  They just shipped it (or possibly a replacement) today.  I managed to get my Justin TV/Twitch TV account mix-up sorted out.  I just need to get that cord back for my headset, and I should hopefully be set up to start doing streams of my own!  I was wondering what people might want to see me play.  I have a rather extensive list of games on Steam.  I’ve mostly been playing Diablo 3 lately, but I started playing Skyrim a month or so ago too.  I also play Borderlands 2, of course.

On the flip side of that, I need to figure out OBS.  Like… damn.  I’ve been poking at it some, but it’s going to take me a little bit to figure it out, unless someone helps me out.  Or I could stop being lazy and go look on Google for a set-up walk through thing.  Or on youtube.  Eh.  I’ll get it sorted out.

I definitely won’t get to broadcast as much as I would like, at least not right now, because I’m effectively taking 20 credits this quarter.  Hurray! \o/

Busy Work

Classes started on Monday.  I feel like I’ve been running around like mad since then.  American Government political science, math, and a “college survival skills” quasi-required thing.  13 credits for a 6 week long summer quarter.  I’ve been making myself stay busy.  My idle mind goes unpleasant places again, lately.  I try to hide it by keeping busy.  I lament having nothing to do, no one to spend time with… then I get invited today, to go see fireworks with people and I beg off, saying I have a headache.  I’ve started going on cam4 again.  I think my self-esteem is just really in the shitter, as it were, lately.  I feel like to almost everyone I’m just a spare person.  It’s not me, as an individual, that they really care for.  It’s getting to me.  So I’m burying myself in scholastic stuff.  And playing ungodly amounts of Borderlands 2.  Two weeks and my Siren is level 61.  I’ve downed Terramorphous, Hyperius, and the 4 dragons in the Tiny Tina DLC.  I’ve played through ever chunk of DLC at least through the main story.  I’ve beaten regular vault hunter, true vault hunter, and ultimate vault hunter in the core game.  I think I’m just shoving everything down and mostly ignoring it, hiding it, though.  I can’t seem to get myself to stop.  I already had one small break down and relapse earlier this year.  I just need to keep my school stuff on track.  The rest of me can fall apart to some degree, without it really mattering, I guess.

Only other positive thing going on, other than playing lots of BL2 is Q recommended some really excellent music to me lately.  Mostly music, but some surprisingly mellow stuff too.

There’s no secret to living
(There’s no secret to living)
Just keep on walking
There’s no secret to dying
(There’s no secret to dying)
Just keep on flying

I’m gonna die in a place that don’t know my name
I’m gonna die in a space that don’t hold my fame

God knows you’re lonely souls
God knows you’re lonely souls

I believe there’s a time when the cord of life
Should be cut, my friends
(Cut the cord, my friend)
I believe there’s a time when the cord can be cut
And this vision ends
(Let this vision end)

The devil has my ear today

I’ll never heard a word you say. After failing incredibly hard at using buses on Friday, I finally managed to get where I needed to go. I first went to a bus stop that only had the bus I needed stop there in the AM, and then I got off at the wrong stop. Fortunately W was incredibly understanding, and we went out for dinner before heading back to the lovely place he lives. I was able to be suspended with rope for the first time ever, and it was fantastic. I felt weightless, becoming incredibly calm, and relaxing into the feel of the rope on my skin. I was also put into a rope corset. My rib-cage aches slightly today, though I don’t mind. It was rather interesting how constricting a single piece of rope around my chest can be. I’m a rather tired kitty cat from last night still, actually. I think I’ll cut this post short. I also had hot wax dripped along my flesh for the second time ever. There are photos uploaded onto my fetlife.

Release

For the first time in quite a while, I had pain inflicted on me from something other than getting a permanent body modification (piercings and a tattoo).  The rather nice Leather Daddy W tested out a leather paddle I have, flogged me, and tied me up!  There was something interesting thing about today’s session however, something that had never ever happened before.  Not when I’ve had needles shoved through flesh, nor when I had a strap with metal grommets used on me, leaving marks for two weeks…

I cried.  I know I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, but it was not a reaction I was expecting at all.  It started as a strangled feeling in my throat and a heat behind my eyes, turned into silent tears trailing down my cheeks, to become outright sobbing and shaking.  I was overwhelmed with a sense of horror and shame, trying to hide my reaction at first, but my sense of control faltered.  I was pet, scritched, and held until I calmed down.

Now that it has been several hours and I’m back at home, I feel calm but also exhausted.  While tears were unexpected, I think they were needed.  I do hope they don’t become a regular occurrence, however!  After all, crying tends to make me feel very embarrassed…