State of Mind

I’m meant to be curled up in my bed, passed the hell out.  Classes for Fall Quarter start tomorrow.  Instead, I’m listening to some drum-step and writing this.  I have too many thoughts bouncing around the inside of my cranium to relax.  I need to get off my ass and apply to a couple of Universities.  I need to meet with a counselor/adviser at my current school to figure out how I’m going to cram all my remaining degree requirements into as short of a time period as possible.  I need to think about the possibility of asking family for a loan to cover expenses too, or else get more/larger student loans.  The federal financial aid I’m getting won’t cover too many credits over what are necessary for my degree.  By number I’m already over what are required.  Unfortunately, I’m lacking in a couple areas as far as specific courses, which I’m in the process of completing.  I still think I want to pursue Socio-Cultural Anthropology, but I’m considering options to supplement my finances too.

In the last few weeks I’ve had the chance to get friendly with a variety of people who are able to pull in some cash through doing game streams on Twitch.  In theory, someone who I know through Twitch/Steam is going to be gifting me a new (to me) desktop gaming rig.  I’m not 100% on this yet.  They may fall through.  It’s a huge/amazing gift, if they do follow through.  If that does end up happening, I’ll be equipped to start trying to do my own game streams.  I’m attempting to get my account changed over from Justin TV to Twitch at the moment, too.  In my “day to day” life I’m more of an introvert than ever… but online I’m making friends and networking.  I’m completely broke, but I’ve been able to offer my time/energy to a couple cool people this weekend as well as last weekend when they did 24 hour streams.

One of the other things on my mind has been a blossoming flirtation with someone.  They’re not local.  Of course they’re not local.  I’m not making any assumptions until I get a chance to meet this person, if I ever do get that opportunity at all.  I’ve had hard lessons about offering my heart freely in the past.  Then again, someone else has been flirting hard with me the last week or so, and while I don’t think they “mean” it in any serious way, I’m starting to wonder… and everything is increasingly topsy turvy.

In short, my brain needs to shut up and go to sleep.  I have to be able to at least FAKE perky behavior for my first day of classes, damn it.

Quick Update

Fall quarter starts for me on the 23rd, and I’ve not been up to too terribly much.  I turned 25 at the end of August… and I’ve been playing ungodly amounts of Borderlands 2 and having a blast.  Got myself a sexy new gaming keyboard and mouse with gift cards from my b-day.  I need to stop being lazy and apply for a couple of universities that I may want to attend for my bachelor’s, but I admit, I find the process intimidating…  Applying for my FAFSA is way easier.

Generally doing pretty ok otherwise.  Hope everyone is doing great too ❤

We Shall See

I’m meeting a potential submissive this week.  We have had some very interesting chats over the last few weeks.  I am cautiously optimistic.  I have had a couple of other submissive folks talking with me lately too, and I am tentatively supposed to meet another person next week.  Some of the questions brought up while talking have been hard for me to answer.  Not because I feel awkward or shy in any way, but just because I haven’t had to think about some of the scenarios before.  I’ve been in a submissive role as far as BDSM stuff since I was, well, before I turned 18, let’s just say.  I’ve only been in a dominant role really, with one person.  Interesting food for thought.  I’ve been putting special effort and energy in, to make sure I don’t lose touch with my kinky side.  Especially because I’ve been in turmoil over so much lately, I need something to help ground me.

I have been incredibly low energy lately, for the most part.  Just trying to make myself get up and go to class has been hard.  I’ve decided that whatever the situation with my dad, it’s his life.  If his new lady doesn’t like me, tough.  I won’t change my behavior to make someone like me.  I haven’t the energy to expend pretending to be something I’m not.  Same for her kids.  I do hope to get along with them, if they all are going to become a part of the family.  If not however, I won’t shade any tears over it.  As a random aside, I’ve decided to pursue socio-cultural anthropology, as far as my higher education goes.  I don’t want to spend years and thousands of dollars getting degrees in a field that I only chose because of somewhat better job viability.  Even if I can’t get work specifically as an anthropologist after getting my degrees, I can do other jobs that would be of interest.

I’m in a mild quandary, as a last aside.  Whenever I’ve had a FWB before, I never had to be the one asking to meet up.  Ever.  It was always them contacting me frequently, trying to get some of my time.  The last couple of weeks have had a lot going on for myself and the local boy I got with recently.  I have no problem with that.  I do however, feel weird trying to think up a way to ask him to come by so we can fuck.  Well, ok, that’s not entirely true.  I tell Q quite frequently that he needs to come visit so I can leave bites and claw marks all over him.  He’s an exception for me for a lot of things, however.  I’ve never been the one to make a booty call.  For local boy, is a text ok?  An instant message?  I don’t know the protocol for this kind of crap.  It’s not like there’s a handbook.  Not that I know of, anyway….

Aimless

I’m managing to do well in all three classes I’m taking for summer quarter.  However, I’m feeling pretty apathetic, yet stressed.  The second chunk of my severance pay from Job Corps which I thought I would get this week hasn’t shown up.  I called about it and won’t likely get it until next week.  In the mean time I have less than $10 and hardly any food.  Which sucks.  A lot.

Things with the local guy who is my new fwb are ok.  I’m still not really sure how I feel about him.  I’m missing BDSM a lot too, lately.  I’m trying to keep in touch with that side of myself.  Being in a small town definitely makes it more difficult.  I’m trying to make sure I at least stay somewhat active on the two Kink sites I use.  It would be amazing to find someone local to do kinky things with, but I’m not overly hopeful.  All in all I’m just doing the same relatively unexciting things and making myself get stuff done.  Aimless, indeed.

Busy Work

Classes started on Monday.  I feel like I’ve been running around like mad since then.  American Government political science, math, and a “college survival skills” quasi-required thing.  13 credits for a 6 week long summer quarter.  I’ve been making myself stay busy.  My idle mind goes unpleasant places again, lately.  I try to hide it by keeping busy.  I lament having nothing to do, no one to spend time with… then I get invited today, to go see fireworks with people and I beg off, saying I have a headache.  I’ve started going on cam4 again.  I think my self-esteem is just really in the shitter, as it were, lately.  I feel like to almost everyone I’m just a spare person.  It’s not me, as an individual, that they really care for.  It’s getting to me.  So I’m burying myself in scholastic stuff.  And playing ungodly amounts of Borderlands 2.  Two weeks and my Siren is level 61.  I’ve downed Terramorphous, Hyperius, and the 4 dragons in the Tiny Tina DLC.  I’ve played through ever chunk of DLC at least through the main story.  I’ve beaten regular vault hunter, true vault hunter, and ultimate vault hunter in the core game.  I think I’m just shoving everything down and mostly ignoring it, hiding it, though.  I can’t seem to get myself to stop.  I already had one small break down and relapse earlier this year.  I just need to keep my school stuff on track.  The rest of me can fall apart to some degree, without it really mattering, I guess.

Only other positive thing going on, other than playing lots of BL2 is Q recommended some really excellent music to me lately.  Mostly music, but some surprisingly mellow stuff too.

There’s no secret to living
(There’s no secret to living)
Just keep on walking
There’s no secret to dying
(There’s no secret to dying)
Just keep on flying

I’m gonna die in a place that don’t know my name
I’m gonna die in a space that don’t hold my fame

God knows you’re lonely souls
God knows you’re lonely souls

I believe there’s a time when the cord of life
Should be cut, my friends
(Cut the cord, my friend)
I believe there’s a time when the cord can be cut
And this vision ends
(Let this vision end)

Fluster Cluck

I’m feeling like a chicken running around with my head cut off.

I finished 19 chapters of book work for Phlebotomy in.. 11 days.  I took the final on the 12th day of being in class.  I’m going to be spending most of my time next week in driving class to refresh my memory on how to do that shizz.  I do “pokes” on Thursday, sticking people with needles for the first time ever.  After I get the vein successfully 25 times, I go off to do a week of clinicals.  After that, the only thing left is the certification exam, which is national.  *nervous* Ugh.  I also have to do a 3 day class called “exit” at some point, which is mandatory for me to graduate from Job Corps.  I’m not 100% sure where I’ll be after I leave/finish up.  I’m hoping my dad will let me stay with him through the summer, until Fall Quarter starts.  I’m going to be going back to the community college I attended previously, to get my Associate of Arts and Science degree finished up.  I think it’ll only take two quarters, thankfully.  After that, hopefully I’ll be going to a university to get a bachelor’s.

I’ve been stressing out like mad due to the stupid bitches in my dorm, as well as the dumb twats in my room.  I have nothing against sharing living space with females.  I do have something against sharing living space with moronic teenagers who think they’re hot shit.  People who think it’s a GREAT idea to go on a weekend pass/personal leave, so they can try to get pregnant, when they’re 18, and have nothing going on in their life.  People who have never held a job, never lived on their own, but think they know everything.  It’s ever so slightly ridiculous.  I will freely admit I do plenty of stupid things still.  I have, however, learned a lot from the major fuck ups I made in the past, and believe me, there were some big ‘uns.

Um, what else?  I miss my friends, I miss my son, I miss my family…  I got back in touch with a friend of mine from when I attended college before, so that was back when I was 16.  It has been really nice catching up.  During my downtime at Job Corps I’m typically reading, playing on my laptop, and texting.  Mostly my buddy from college and one other person.

Speaking of one other person… he’s someone I’ve known as an online friend for approximately three years.  He had become my “adopted big brother” (because my actual older brother is a bit of a prat), but things have shifted a bit the last couple of weeks.  I had a bit of a crush on him for a fair amount of time, but I always buried it and ignored it, because his friendship is really valuable to me, and I didn’t want to fuck it up.  Well, things came to light that we both are interested in each other, so now I don’t feel guilty at all for flirting.  Not only that, we had talked about hanging out previously, but it was always as a vague “Oh man, we totally need to do that sometime!” rather than anything definite.  Since things have changed/since I’m going to have a bit of money, I’m planning to go visit him the end of June, which I’m really looking forward to.  I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone who makes me so flustered or makes me blush so much, in my entire life.  Humorous, but awkward.  Go figure.

In short, I’m keeping myself busy, keeping myself entertained, and plotting for the future.  Here’s hoping that by the next time I post I’ll be a nationally certified phlebotomy technician, have my driver’s license, and have ironed out the wrinkles regarding going back to college this fall (I applied for FAFSA ages ago, etc, I just need to figure out where I’ll be living).

Cheers, lovelies.  Take care of yourselves

Slowly but surely

I’m making progress with.. well, the things I’m working on at Job Corps.  I’ve gotten my GED, became a certified nursing assistant, and am working on becoming a certified phlebotomy technician.  I’m working on being more fit/losing weight and should have my driver’s license before I leave here.  Kind of a wonky story about why I don’t already have one, considering I’m turning 25 this summer (way too tired to go into it right this second).  It isn’t because I was bad/did anything wrong/got in trouble, though.  Um, I’ve gotten back into knitting.  I’ve been doing the Insanity workout.  I read like a fiend on my Kindle.  Otherwise my life is pretty god damn boring.

I really only am writing this post to let folks know I’m still alive and am in fact working my butt off.  Medical terms and abbreviations can die in a fire.  I think I may be a victim of encephalorrhexis from all of it…  Brain rupture?  Oh yeah.  Good times, baby!  I KNOW I’m dealing with chirospasms from all the notes and flash cards.  Writer cramp, woo.

I do have a play weekend to look forward to, at the beginning of April.  Any breaks from Job Corps are good things.  Cheers, lovelies